I don't really know why I posted a picture here...I just felt like it. I'm feeling a bit of pessimism today. Maybe that isn't the right word. The feeling that things are too good to be true. Waiting for the other shoe to fall. I've struggled with emotions like these my whole life. I can remember as a 10th grader, I auditioned for the chamber-madrigal choir at my school. It was the best we had. 4 openings for each voice part. I knew I had a chance. I clearly remember going to the music room to check the list that Mr Dean had posted. I was ON THERE! I was over the moon...for a while. Then I started to think about things too much. I tend to do that. I remember crying and telling my mom they must have printed the names wrong. It wasn't right. It was too good to be true.I have that same feeling a lot now that I am a mother. I get pregnant...too good to be true. My baby is born healthy and beautiful...too good to be true. We are all happy together, my kids are safe...too good to be true. At the zoo, if someone is going to fall into the Hippo tank, it will be MY child. If a plane is going to crash, it will be ours (you're not the only one Tara :)). If someone were to attack a school, it would be where my children attend. I think what I can actually attribute this to is faith...or lack of it. Faith and fear cannot co-exist, they just can't. I need to trust the Lord more. Trust that He knows my wants and needs, but also what is best for me.
I went to the doctor today for a check-up. I was spotting a bit on Saturday. I haven't really felt the baby move yet. I've had migraines 3 days in a row. I was sure that I would lose the baby. I know it doesn't sound rational, but it is how I felt. I started wondering how I would get on with my life...my life with 4 beautiful, healthy children. I needed the doctor to tell me everything was alright...and he did. Somehow it isn't enough for me. I have my ultrasound next week, and instead of being excited, I am anxious. I worry they will tell me something is off. Something is wrong. It's just too good to be true.
Here is a thought for me and for you:
Faith is total trust in God. Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of total reliance on Him.
- Dennis E. Simmons
15 comments:
oh, amy. I don't even know where to start. I'm sitting here in my office, holding my little boy while he watches Baby Einstein and I check blogs. I'm also crying. I feel like that every day - and especially when I was pregnant and times 10 now that Gavin is here. He's so perfect, and I'm just sure he's going to be Autistic. I keep kissing him and he keeps pulling away, and I just can't help but think how perfect he is, and I'm missing something or I don't deserve him to be this great.
Why can't I just trust God? I have so much faith and a strong testimony, yet I don't feel deserving of a good life, why is that? I guess that means that I don't have enough faith and that I need to work on it. I need to keep telling myself that life is good. That I have so much. I need to go back to writing down all the things that are going right and then maybe I'll realize that it's okay. I'll work on that (after I stop crying - I haven't had a good cry for a while).
Hey amy, I think if we were all really honest most women feel the same way. I don't know what is wrong with us. I just have feelings sometimes that Addi will get sick, die of cancer, my house is going to burn down, every early morning pone call is "someone's dead". And to me they are rational, logical thoughts, but if I were to write them down it would seem ridiculous. I am always on the pesimistic side of life, glass half empty kinda gal, fiqure out that there are more idiots that good inteligent people kinda person. But I wish I were different, the kind of person that thinks the world is good and kind. But it is not and I think it is a defense mechanism somehow. But there is the faith
that get us through the day and that is a good thing something to be optimistic about.
Amy, thank you so much for sharing that. I totally needed that today, it made me feel a little less insane, and more normal. :) I totally do the same thing, there is always something in the back of my mind to have more than a little anxiety about. Sometimes I even catch myself preparing myself for those things to happen, and what I will do if the do. I think it is just a part of being a woman. But it honestly meant so much to me to see that even an AMAZING woman like you does that too. You are such a great example to me.
You basically took the thoughts right out of my mind too Amy,I've always been like that. A doubter. That's why I never wanted to have parties at our house growing up - mainly b/c I knew I wasn't suppossed to but also b/c I was worried no one would come. Isn't that sad. I'm still the same way, and I have no idea why, other than what you mentioned. I can so clearly remember one day walking home from class at BYU and almost skipping b.c I was so happy, then all of a sudden I started telling myself this is just too good to be true. I'm sure something will go wrong soon and then I was down. I guess I almost felt like I didn't deserve to be that happy, which in and of itself is horrible but I can also hear dad saying about all of this that it's not only a lack of faith but that it is totally satan leading us to doubt, worry, etc. We need to just trust in and believe more that God wants us to be 'that' happy and that if things do go wrong it is b/c it's a part of his plan. Easier said than done. Sorry you've been worrying. I can't wait for you to have your ultrasound. Everything's going to be okay, I just know it.
I'm the exact same way too. I'm always waiting for the bottom to fall out from under me. It really stresses me out sometimes. Thanks for your post.
I've spotted during two of my pregnancies and they were fine! In fact, with Jack I was spotting 3 different times! I know it's hard to believe that everything will be alright. Just know that the Lord loves you and your children more than you can possibly know. He only allows things to happen to his righteous children with a purpose. I'm serving in the Primary right now and I am really enjoying the perspective it is giving me! My life is a gift, my life has a plan! Whatever happens, this is all part of it. Sure, lots of those sad things could happen to you or any of us. Luckily, we always have a loving Heavenly Father to turn to. All is never lost unless we lose Him. Hang in there, friend. The rest of us are leaning on your cheerful countenance.
I was ready to leave this long comment about how much we relate in this way and I'm grinning now at how everyone else had the same idea! Maybe that's part of our mother's intuition; with compassion comes the worry. I'm always waiting for something terrible to happen because "I'm due," like life can't be too good for too long. Heavenly Father wants us to be happy; I know that but sometimes it's hard to be fully happy when I'm just waiting for the bad to come. Know that you're not alone; obviously this world - even the tiny one right here in "Happy" Valley - is filled with many going through the same motions. Thank you for your thoughts; they remind me of good friends who I can relate to. :)
Hey! You guys are cute! I miss seeing you guys :) How is the pregnancy going?
I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but I think every mother has feelings like that! Scary all the same and hard to get over...but we feel them, too. I love you and you DO have a wonderful, amazing family!
I was thinking "wow, sounds just like me" and apparently just like every other woman - good woman. Hang in there. Maybe the "salsa fairy" will bring you a gift.
I love this blog! Thank you for your honesty, Amy. So many people talk only about the positive and the beautiful, though we all have our darker moments of foreboding and it is wonderful that you show that as well.
All I can say, as a person of faith myself, is that we have to believe in God, that he only wants the best, and that he has a grand plan for us and for the world. That we matter to him; that he loves us. Leaning on that faith is important. But we need to try to develop faith in ourselves, too, that we are deserving of a good life, that we are good parents or children. It is hard to develop that sense of deserving, particularly as people who do believe, because normally we allow God to be the judge of that. But I think that faith in ourselves, in our parenting etc can help us to serve better, and it reinforces in us what we know to be true: that God loves us.
One other thing I was thinking about was that even if the worst did happen (God forbid) we are fortunate to have such a strong faith that we would know with every conviction that God only gives us what we can handle, that we have a lesson to learn, more love to give, whatever. A very orthodox couple I know has five gorgeous children, and one was born with a difficulty which means he has extremely delayed speech and development and a lack of balance and a variety of other problems. Sadly he will never be like everybody else. At first it was the end of the world, they struggled so much, but their faith is even stronger, they developed their emissary work to include building a special needs school for Orthodoc Jewish children with learning difficulties. Their little boy is such a joy in their lives and has inspired them to do something amazing. It is their unwavering faith that got them through. Whatever Heavenly Father has in store for you (and I hope it is only what you would want, only the best things) will be good, Amy, and you will be strong and lean on your faith. I know I don't know you but just from reading your posts I feel I can say that with wholehearted conviction. Praying for your ultrasound and sending big smiles from Paris,
Vanessa
Amy,
I can completely relate. That is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I know that I can handle what Quinn is going through right now but at the same time, I am bracing myself for the next one, the big one that will destroy me. I know it sounds crazy and it is nice to see that so many other women feel the same way. (even if it is sad that any of us feel it) I just look at my life and feel so blessed, like Laura said... like we don't deserve it. Dan tells me that when you think that way~ you are inviting darkness into your life and that is how "the big one" might happen. I love you.
How come you are so great seriously!! I just love you!
You are so able to put into words the thoughts most of us have at one time or other. Thanks.I think each of us has been blessed with so much more than we feel we deserve,and I guess that is true,but Heavenly Father loves us more than we can even imagine. He knows what is best and He knows the best way to bring us home. I love all the responses you have,even tho I don't know many of the people.
Guess what Amy....I have been told that my child growing in my uterus would be born with a disability and living with him for 6 years now - I still feel like 'life is too good to be true'. But I have always looked at the glass half-full...fearing that I couldn't manage life if I did the opposite!
Being a mother means wearing our hearts on our sleeves and that is where all our worrying comes from.
Embrace the feelings of "life is too good to be true". Enjoy it and if you do get thrown a curve ball at some point...embrace it too. No need to fear...you said it...place your faith in Heavenly Father and you will always be blessed to feel that "life is too good."
Thanks for sharing!
Post a Comment