OK...so lately I have been struggling a lot with protecting the feelings and emotions of my kids...mainly the older 3. Mom's naturally want to protect, to defend, to shield. I realize that these little people will have to experience trial and heartache. They are both necessary for growth. I know that. It still doesn't take away from the fact that I worry when they worry, I'm sad when they are sad. Where is this all coming from? School issues mostly. Last week we had SEP's, or parent - teacher conferences. All 3 of the kids are doing well in school. Really well actually. I am proud of them. Alex (4th grade) is reading at a 6th grade level. I'm not saying this so people can compare. I'm sure many of your kids are reading faster...or possibly slower than that. Anyhow, he was thrilled and proud. Lizzy (2nd grade) is reading at a 4th grade level and Emily (2nd grade) is reading at a 6th grade level too. Here is where I start to worry as their mom. Some are obviously doing better than others. The conversation in the car was touchy. Emily was thrilled, and rightfully so, that she was reading so fast. Who else would she rather share that excitement with than her family? She told everyone, then asked how thier reading was. Lizzy was proud to announce 4th grade. She didn't see any need to compare to Emily's 6th, I guess. That was my first worry. Lizzy, and her tender little emotions. Alex had a different response. He didn't believe her. I think he was embarrassed that his 8 year old sister was reading as well as him. I explained that she was more like the beginning of 6th, and he was almost 7th. He was actually a little teary by the time we pulled into the driveway.
How do I make my home a safe place? A place where we can celebrate one another's accomplishments, even if they exceed our own. I struggle with it myself, so how can I teach my children? They should be able to brag if they want. To their family. Without the worry of upsetting someone. Yesterday, we went to Krispy Kreme for report card donuts. They get a donut for each 4 on their card. Alex had 6, Emily had 7 and Lizzy had 5. I worried about my sweet Liz, so I found another spot on the girls cards that had number grades, only 3 of them. The girls each had 3 there, so that is what I used. I explained that since Alex was older, he had more grades, therefore more donuts. I couldn't have Lizzy leaving with less and wondering why. What would you have done? Seriously. How would you celebrate with the 2 and explain to the 3rd? I may be under-estimating Elizabeth. She may have been just fine, but I didn't want to find out.
I'm finding that motherhood is all about nurturing. That is my role. That is my job. To fill these little people up. Constantly. They may leave for school in the morning with a full tank but come home almost empty. My job is to be sensitive to them, pull them aside if I need to, and add more love. More security. More confidence. Reminders of who they really are.
12 comments:
So hard to be a Mom. My brother and I were close in age, and it was always a competition for me to be like him, or beat him. I think it did make it sometimes hard for him as well. I think perhaps you could point out that everyone has their strengths. Its ok to let E have her strengths and make sure to point out his. So tough, I dont know. I wish I had all this wisdom to share. I know that each kid is going to succeed in one way or the other though and you arent always going to be able to make it equal. Perhaps talking about it first, and letting them celebrate each others accomplishments will help them support each other. Hmm... let me know.
YOur and amazing mother! When you figure out that please pass it on.. I am sure together you will all learn and all succeed together! That picture is priceless I love it!
You hit the nail on the head amy, especially what you said last. Our role as a mother is to find ways to level out their playing fields, to be creative about it and in turn to empower each child. Right now it's tough b/c they still exploring who they are and what they're strengths are but once these things become more clear, one child getting a 4 and one child getting a 2 won't matter quite as much...trust me it still matters, but you find other ways to excell and with your parents constantly telling you how proud they are of you and how smart you are - it's impossible to not believe them and feel special. Hope that all made sense. I think you handeled things the perfect way.
sorry gotta add one last thought...I think it's really important like you said though for our children to be able to brag a little with their family and show off their successes and for the other siblings - it is an amazing trait worth trying to develop to learn to be happy for someone else, even if it surpasses what you have accomplished...this is of course a life long challenge, since I still fall into the trap at times, but just b/c it's difficult I don't think it should be avoided - celebrating others successes. Hopefully your kids can almost get to where they feel like they are a little tiny part of one another's successes b/c I'm sure they help one another out with homework, etc. love you guys.
Sweet little Amy!
My two cents worth is this...when rewards (like donuts) are involved as part of a celebration, you may want to make it a special date and take them one at a time.
This is yet another reason why I don't like to assign a reading "grade level" to a student's reading. Look at it as your child is reading below (none of yours!) on level (none of yours!) OR above (all three!) grade level.
There. That's just my opinion. Celebrate individuals and how much they improve from the last report.
what a sweet Mom you are! Your kids are so lucky to have a mother who ponders these kinds of questions. I know the spirit will guide you. I know what you mean about the balance between allowing them to experience the necessary heartache and shielding them from experiences that will leave them feeling empty. If anyone can do it, you can!
WOW--we have those same struggles here in this house. I don't know how to level that playing field either. My first 3 are similar as well--but with some marked differences too. I worry some about #4--grateful there is a little seperation between her and #3. Thank you for capturing a mother's feelings so well here. I don't know the answers. Prayer is all I know to do at times. Love ya Amy. You are a great mommy.
I bet if anyone knows - it's your mom! She had a set of twins and you and Tracy were less than 2 years apart. Do you remember when someone was better than you at something or when you were better than them? What did she do for you all? What did she say? I think when you are alone you need to let Emily know how proud you are of her and how great she is doing but also let her know how her siblings might feel since they aren't as advanced. Celebrate quietly and help her learn how to be proud and empathetic at the same time. Tough job but you are a GREAT mother.
I just love what you said about sending them to school with a full tank and refilling it when they come home. Gosh I want to be a mom now!
Amy,
this is such a great post. I agree with you that it is important to be able to celebrate success. I think that, like Laura said, it is an important life lesson. I imagine that it is tough with twins always being compared. I agree with "Lady" and think that you should talk to Grandma. I hate the idea of kids competing with one another. I think that there should just be "success parties" and everyone gets to party along so then the kids will all motivate each other to do better. Does this make sense?
Love you and your concerns. You vocalize what a lot of Moms think.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, especially your last paragraph. I hope you don't mind that it will be quoted in my own personal journal tonight.
If you haven't read the children's book I Love You the Purplest by Barbara M. Joosse and Mary Whyte, get your hands on it. Such a cute story about a mom answering her two sons' constant question, "Who do you love the most, Mommy?" A lot of good suggestions here in these comments from your friends as well.
Lots of love!
this is why you are one of my favorites!
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