Last night I was down stairs folding laundry while the kids were upstairs watching Little House On the Prairie. Can I tell you just how much I love that show? They watch it every night, just like I used to. I love the messages. I love the music. Mmmm...just LOVE it. Anyhow, as I was folding, I heard Emily and Lizzy start to cry. It started out quiet, but grew into hysterical screaming. I wasn't in the mood to be "mommy", so I just yelled up the stairs, asking what was wrong. No answer, more sobbing. As I came up, I saw them huddled together on the couch...I figured they had banged heads somehow while they were watching. They were really, really sad. I asked what happened. I had been WAY off. Mr Edwards on Little House had been attacked by a bear. There was screaming, blood, they thought he was dead. I actually started to cry with them...they were just so worried. So tender. I had them close their eyes and I muted the TV so I could find the right episode to delete. They squeezed their eyes SO tight, all while sobbing. It was so strange, but somehow so sweet at the same time. I had to go back to the episode to show them that he was OK. They worried they wouldn't be able to get the image out of their heads, that they would have nightmares. I explained that that was what the Holy Ghost was for...that sacred gift they had received on Saturday. We prayed together, watched American Idol, and they made it through the night with no episodes.
On another note...we have playgroup at the church today. In the gym. I'm afraid to go. Is that strange? I feel like I can't let Molly out of my sight in that place. I'll have to think about it.
Do you sometimes forget what your role is as a mother? I do. Briefly. Last night it happened. Dave had left to go to YM at the church, and I was alone with the kids again, just like I had been all day. I was tired. I felt really pregnant. I had promised American Idol, but they needed showers. I needed to fold laundry, clean up after dinner. I felt completely overwhelmed, like I just couldn't tackle it all. Ridiculous, I know, but it's how I felt. I yelled at the girls. Because they couldn't get all the shampoo out of their hair, because they couldn't figure out how to shut off the water. I made them cry. That is not the role of a mother. I felt sick inside. See, you can't take moments like that back. You can love them, hug them, apologize to them, but you can't take it back. I hate regrets. I don't want there ever to be ANY question about how I feel about them. Ever. They are my little people. I need to be kinder, more patient, more giving. I will today. I promise.
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9 comments:
What sweet tender little girls.I love it. Do you remember the picture I have of you young girls att sobbing on the sofa? That was because of a show also....maybe it was Little House. Don't be so hard on yourself..everyone looses it sometimes..that's why there is repentance. Also,by some kind act of God,they don't seem to remember these lapses. You are a GREAT mom,your children are happy and all around wonderful.Just keep up the good work.
Little House in the Prairie is an all time girly fav. Heath make fun of me when he catches me watching it. Girls are so tender and sweet, Have you given them the books to read? Amy moms yell, it is part of being a mother! That is the only way kids get it thru, if our moms hadn't yelled at us we wouldn't be the same people. I remember my mom being so mad at me and I know she still loved me cause I knew what I was doing was wrong. Its so hard. I yell at Heath too. I think husbands are the same as kids. They don't pay attention until you are screaming at them. "People are like mules, they dont pay any attention untul you swear at them" I'll give you $20 if you know who that quote is from. Hint...its an aposle!
What sweet girl. Oh Amy, we all have days were we don't feel like being a mother. I love my son, and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but I'll admit that when I'm tired, and my patience is growing thin I have bad thoughts, and I'm not as nice. We need to pray every day that we will be better. Heavenly Father will help us. I know he will.
Dont be too hard on yourself. :) The sun will come up tomorrow... uh... and all that good stuff. Love you, Love your kids, they know you love them.
I love your honesty...I love that you can post about your "less-than-perfect-mother" moments, which we all experience, because I feel better knowing that someone else out there wants to be better, too, and they're not afraid to admit that. I know who to talk to when I feel like I just may lose it!
Hi Amy,
Just wanted to say that it's ok not to be perfect. I couldn't love my mother more, or be closer to her, but as a stressed-out surgeon she certainly had her moments of getting stressed out at me and yelling. I remember, but it's okay: she is human, and that's an important lesson for children to learn too... that their parents have to try, that it doesn't always come easily and that sometimes doing the right thing is all the more important when you don't feel like it, at those times when it is harder, because it demands a little subjugation on our part. What I really wanted to say is that we can't be perfect all the time, but we can try, and that children know when their parents love and try. Children are so perceptive and sensitive to emotions. They could never doubt your love for them.
Been there, had those moments. Too many times. Where i just lock myself up in my room because I just can't do it anymore!!! Thanks for being so open, so honest. I love ya for it.
Love your baptism pics. It really was a beautiful day. Glad we could share it together.
sometimes I wonder where that growl came from...and am horrified afterwards when I realize it was my voice! I fear sometimes too...that I am not showing Kaia enough love and tenderness...Blake gets so much because he is the baby and has such unique needs. I need to hug Kaia more...spend more one on one time with her...tell her how sweet she is and that I adore her. Thanks for the reminder. I want to try harder today too...I promise!
You brought me to tears twice in reading your blog. I felt for the twins and the show, and then I know exactly what you mean about regets and being that mom you don't want to be but sometimes find yourself doing things you wish you could take back. Oh motherhood, I'm glad to know there is someone else out there like me. Cause sometimes I feel alone, especially when looking at others blogs!
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