my alex.

Alex had a bad day yesterday. He came in from playing and I could tell that something was off. He wasn't happy. Actually, he was sad. I asked him what had happened. As he told me, I was just dying inside. My throat was hurting because I was holding back sobs. Talking to Dave about it later, I couldn't stop myself. Alex was so, so sad. It was physically painful for me to see. I was looking at him and listening to him, thinking I love you, I love you, you beautiful boy. Please forget about this hurt by tomorrow. He was trying to make sense of things. He was trying to cover up how hurt he was. He was explaining things to me with a quivering lip and red eyes. He was sad and I was completely overwhelmed. I wanted to fix things. There are just some things that you can't fix though. His feelings had been hurt, several times, and he just didn't understand. So we talked about it. We talked about all sorts of things. About how tough life can be when you're 10 and how it will only get tougher. I reminded him how wonderful he is. What a good, kind friend he is. I told him that if he would continue to befriend everyone, not just the kids with cool shoes, or the ones who could play ball really well, he would be happy. I watched his mood change as we talked. I know he loves me and believes what I say. He was really listening to me.

I needed that experience. Lately Alex has been crazy. Constantly laughing and yelling and running around. It was starting to make me nuts. Nuts and exhausted. He gets sassy with Dave and I don't like it. He's asserting himself. He's still such a good boy, but he's testing his boundaries a little. Anyhow, this experience the other day reminded me that he is my baby. He can come to me with something that makes him sad and I can help to carry some of the load. I can cheer him up. A trip to Walmart with mom, checking out Halloween costumes and picking 3 new boxes of cereal, can cheer him up. He asked me as we were walking in (holding hands by the way, which is a rarity lately), why it made me so sad that he was sad. He said if it were him, he would just be glad he wasn't the one that was hurt. I explained how parenthood works. How you love someone so deeply that their pain is your pain. How your mind carries you back in time to a moment when YOU were 10 and YOU were getting your feelings hurt, and the thought of your sweet boy experiencing those emotions is so, so hard. Today when he got a little crazy with his sisters before church, it didn't bother me quite as much. When he's crazy, he's happy. I can ignore the noise and the silliness if I know he's happy.