summer is over...

I can't really believe another summer is over. It went by fast. Not too fast this time though. We were ready for some routine around here. We were ready for everyone to be busy all day. I was ready to have some alone time with Margaret. The summer was wonderful. Filled with GREAT stuff. Marathon. Camp. Fenwick Island. The Olympics. Seven Peaks. Annie. All of it was so, so good, but holy COW am I tired.

I don't think my kids got to bed before 10 pm ever...all summer (Margaret excluded). That meant I was up well past that, just to enjoy my clean, quiet house. To be honest, I don't think I ever fully recovered from the marathon before all the other stuff started to creep in. I will miss my sweet kids. They are so darn great. They (ie. Molly) fought a lot this summer, but they are still great. They help me out so much around the house and with Margaret. Margie and I are doing just fine though. :) It is beautiful just having one child at home. I get a lot more done, but I can also focus so much more energy on her and her needs. And...I only have to figure out lunch for one 3 year old.

The girls have been walking since the first day. They love it. The air feels so crisp and clean in the mornings. It makes me happy. Molly is jumping car shadows here. I guess it is the thing to do. This child has been ready for all day school/1st grade for about 3 years. :) She will be in Mrs. Anderson's class. I love her. I really do. She is a wonderful woman and a wonderful teacher.

Alex had ONE extra day of summer vacation. 8th graders didn't start until wednesday. The poor kid was sick all day. Throwing up sick. Throwing up in the car while his mom had him out running errands sick. He is such a sweet, good boy. I am really proud of him. He is faithfully reading his Book of Mormon every day. He doesn't want to do anything but what is right. That doesn't mean his room is clean, but the important stuff...he's doing it. I think he is amazing. We failed to get first day of school pictures of him. :( Actually, I also failed to get 13 year old birthday/balloon pictures back in March, too. I really need to document how he is changing. I think he is really, really handsome.

Dave gave the kids father's blessings on Monday night, just before school started. I always LOVE that night, but this may have been the sweetest ever. He spoke so directly to each child. Addressed their concerns and MY concerns. He gave them beautiful council. They were so reverent and still. Even Margaret. That sweet little girl sat perfectly still while her daddy blessed her for this upcoming school year. I thought about sharing some of the things he said to each child, but I think that may be too personal. Trust me, it was beautiful...and I cried the whole entire time.

my children...

Not much to say today, but I love this picture I took of the kids+Annie the other day, so I thought I'd talk about them:

Alex - He is such a good boy. He tries so hard to do what is right. He gets distracted by "fun" stuff, forgetting his responsibilities at home, then we have a little talk about it and he is right back on track. Somehow, he still thinks it's cool to be good. He loves church things...lessons, music, his leaders. Not in a "Peter Priesthood, preachy" sort of way, but in a "I know what's right and what feels good and I'm going to stick with that" sort of way. He is so, so funny. He is almost always happy. And my goodness, he is handsome. I looked at him yesterday in his suit and nearly melted. I can see the young man he is becoming, and the man he is going to be.

Elizabeth - Lizzy is still grace personified. She is quieter than the other kids. She's gentler, daintier. She really wants to please Dave and I. When she feels like she has let us down for some reason, and we are disappointed, she gets teary. Not to get out of trouble, but because she knows she did something wrong and wishes she hadn't. I think of all my kids, she will be the most true. She will not waver when it comes to upholding her values. I really, really believe that. She won't compromise. She doesn't care a whole lot about what others think. I wish I had been more like that when I was her age. She is very honest. She is very respectful. She is very obedient. And...she is very silly.

Emily - This little girl is me. I have said it so many times, but she really is. Actually, she is me made lots better. She tries so hard to be good. She is a leader, yet also wants people to like her. She is loud, but knows when to be quiet. She is crazy, but knows when to be reverent and respectful. She is 100%, completely dependable. I would feel comfortable leaving all the kids in her care...for days. When I need something done, she is my girl. I can leave her instructions if Dave and I are going to be gone, and she will get the meal prepared, kids out the door on time to get where they need to be, and the house picked up by the time we get back. She knows what will make her mom and dad happy and does it. She never says no when I ask her for help. Never. I think she has somehow learned, in her short 11 years, that life is easier if you do what's right. She will be an amazing mother and leader someday.

Molly - Still a firecracker. I think she always will be. I don't think that's such a bad thing though. If she can be taught to channel her energy and adrenaline into productive things, there will be no stopping her. She is so, so passionate. Everything she does is intense. She can be intensely happy, intensely angry, intensely fun. Even her kisses are intense. She squishes my face. That intensity will keep her strong and confident...I hope. I can't wait to see how she handles 1st grade. She is smart and so creative. I think she will blossom being at school all day. She has been ready to go for years. I know she will miss being at home with me, but not for long. She wants to be just like her sisters, and this all day school business is the first step. I love when she is happy and bright. She can change the whole mood of our home.

Margaret - Little Margie. Number 5 down the line. What a sweet kid. Funny and silly and happy...except for when she's throwing fits, which seem to be just a teeny bit more frequent lately. I have wondered why, then realized the Lord had her skip the terrible two's while Molly was going through the terrible five's. Now Molly will be in school all day and I can handle whatever Margie throws at me. We will have so much time together. I can't wait. She really is my buddy. She is obsessed with books right now. She also loves to be the one to pray anytime there is a chance. She wants to give the FHE lessons. She wants to lead the music. She still lisps. She's still pudgy. She still likes me to sing 3 songs when I put her to bed, in the same order every time. She still insanely cute.

Annie - She's not mine, but I've got a little to say. She is a great girl. 13 going on 20. Annie is really funny. Sarcastic and funny. She is a helper and a pleaser. If there is a young child around, she wants to be caring for it. Yay for me...she and Margaret got along like strawberries and cream. We love her and are so glad she could come visit. Looking forward to next summer!

soft...

My baby girl.

She doesn't love having her picture taken right now,

but I love taking them. Not a great mix.

She was so soft and dreamy on our last night at the beach.

She has a chip in one of her front teeth.

Don't know when or how it happened.

She still lisps. She still loves her mommy

and grabs my face and closes her eyes when she kisses me.

dark and light...

Like a night when you can't see a single star,
Life is hanging over you and everything is dark.
And you can't even see one step ahead of you,
And everything feels so hard.

Don't let despair pull you from the light
The king of love and mercy is always by your side.
No matter how tossed and torn your life may feel,
You have the hope of Christ.

Don't be afraid. Let your heart believe.
There's a million shining stars up there that you can't even see.
And you are worth more than all of them combined.
Sometimes it's hard to see the Father's grand design.
Don't be dismayed. He knows your name. There is a way. Be not afraid.

This song is on a church mix I have playing in my car. I heard it a lot today. Everytime I did, I felt peace. My heart is heavy right now. People I love are hurting. It makes me hurt. When I start to feel sad, I quickly lose light and peace. I forget to trust in my Heavenly Father. I forget that He loves these people even more than I do. I walk around in a fog. I try to go on with my daily responsibilities, and for the most part, I'm fine. Until I get in my car to run an errand and this song comes on. Then I realize how much light I am missing. I am instantly filled. Instantly calmed. Instantly reassured that someone else is in charge.

Everywhere I turn, I see the adversary. Satan. The devil. Whatever you want to call him. In the media. In sorrow and discouragement. In doubt. He wants us to wonder and feel confused. He is darkness. I feel that over the last few weeks, there has been a battle for my soul. It is so easy for us to fall away from what brings us light. But...I believe it is easier NOT to fall. In this battle for me, you, our kids, our loved ones, we can fill our lives with light. How? I'm not totally sure, but I know that what I read, what I listen to, how I use my time...all those things can lead me toward light or darkness. Even amidst the filth all around us, we can find beauty. The world is beautiful, people are beautiful, the Lord knows our names.

my dad...

My Dad is having a birthday tomorrow. My wonderful dad. 77 years old. That doesn't seem right to me. He seems so much younger. He is still so handsome. This picture is almost 10 years old, but it is exactly how I always picture him. With a camera around his neck and a smile on his face. I want to share with you a few of my favorite memories of him:

*Phillies games. I don't know how many years we went to these together, but it feels like a lot. It was our special thing. Just us. I have less memories about the actual games, than I do of how I felt there. I felt important. And really, really happy. I do remember a hot dog guy who would walk all over the stadium, shouting, "Hey have a hey! Hey, have a hot dog!" We have laughed about that for the last 25+ years. I swear I heard the guy when I was watching a Phillies game a few years ago, though I realize that probably isn't possible. Maybe his son or something. Anyhow, I want to thank my dad for setting aside that time for me. I realize now, as a parent of many, that is not easy to do. It takes a lot of planning. It's a gift actually...to make all your children feel like they are your favorite.

*Going to the temple together, just days after I had been through for the first time. I was very nervous about it. I didn't want to go back. I really didn't. Or at least I thought I didn't. My dad knew I needed it. He never turned around to head home. He just kept driving towards the temple, then I truly feel was told by the Lord what to say to me to calm my worries. I will remember that day, that conversation, that drive, for the rest of my life.

*Our drive to the Hill Cumorah Pageant. I was going to be in it by myself that summer, so he was dropping me off. It was a long drive. It was very close quarters. I don't know that I had EVER been alone with my dad in the car for that long. You know what though? It was great. We had great conversation and great music. I remember listening to my John Denver cassette tape over and over and over. I loved that we both loved it. It made me feel even more connected to him than I already did.

*I love the conversations we have on the phone. He isn't much of a chatter, so when we talk, it means something. There have been many times over the last 20 years (when I left home), that I have needed him. REALLY needed him. Just hearing his deep, soft voice on the phone would calm me. I love the advice he gives me. I love how silly he has gotten with age. :) I love when he tells me he is proud of me.

*I love his letters. I have stacks of them. I can't even tell you how often I pull one out when I am feeling low. They inspire me and uplift me.

I love my dad. I think we chose eachother before we came. I really do. I hope this is the best 77th birthday ever!

*I thought it might be fun if any of you reading could post your favorite memory of my dad.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JRT!

tamales...

This is Consuela. She sells tamales on 800 N in Provo most days of the week. They are $1.25 each. You choose chicken, pork, or cheese. Or all of them. They are the best tamales I have ever tasted in my long life. Michelle and I first tried them about a year ago, on a whim. We saw this darling little hunched over lady selling them from her cooler/wagon, and thought we'd better try them. She doesn't speak a bit of English. You point to the variety you want on a card, then hold up fingers to let her know how many. I could eat her. She is smiley. We like to have her keep the change.

My name is Amy, and I am addicted to Consuela's tamales. I need them every day. It used to be that if I passed her while driving down the road, I may stop and grab a few. Now, I drive over there for the sole purpose of visiting Consuela. I will drive over twice if she isn't there in the morning. When I see her big sign sticking out, my heart skips a beat. I will eat one before I have turned back onto Geneva. My kids are nuts over them. We all are. I have cash in my wallet just for her. I don't really carry cash. I like my money in the bank. I have had 2 photoshoots in the last 4 months and have been hanging onto that money so I can buy myself a few new shirts before the beach in July. My shirt stash is quickly shrinking. It's going to tamales. I can't help myself. Michelle and I have a pact. If we ever drive by and she's out, we'll be sure to buy 2 extra for eachother. I bought 8 today. $10. One less shirt for me.

a few more thoughts...

I was able to post more pictures...yay! So, I thought I would post a little more about my day Saturday. Things I want to always remember. Things I learned. First of all, I learned a lot from Tara. I will cry as I type this and I've cried every time I think about it. Tara has taught me so much in the past few days about being Christlike. I have mentioned this before, but this is her 5th marathon. She is a much more experienced runner, and came into this race much more trained than me. For the last few months, I had assumed I would be running it alone. She was ready to run the race of her life. To PR. After our long run 2 weeks ago, I realized she planned on us running together. I can't tell you the sense of relief I felt. Now I KNEW I could do it. It was just another long training run. :)

For the first 14-15 miles, I felt like I was keeping up. When I hit my wall at the end of mile 15, I worried a little. I didn't want to hold her back. I had to walk a few times over the next 5-6 miles. At times it was due to my cramping leg, at others it was just to breathe. She would stop and walk with me. She would talk me through it. Finally at mile 21, my leg just wouldn't stop giving me trouble, so she went ahead. Her pace immediately picked up to what was natural for her and her long legs. I secretly prayed she would beat her old PR of 3:53. She missed her goal by 2 minutes.

Over the last few days, I have had moments where I have become discouraged and frustrated. Not with my performance, but that I had yanked her goal out from under her. Take away the many times I made her walk "for just a sec" and she would have had it. She just doesn't see it that way though. She really doesn't. She is proud of her performance. She believes those walking breaks gave her the umph she needed to finish strong. She feels so much joy in knowing I finished and she helped me do it. And that is where we are different. She sees the positive, and I see the negative...or at least my mind tries to convince me to. I want to be that person that rejoices at other people's successes, even if they are at the detriment of my own. I want to be that person who sacrifices what I want so that someone I love can have what they want. It has given me a lot to think about. I love Tara for all she did for me that day.

I think many of my tears on Saturday were a result of the support I felt all around me. I have mentioned it many times now, but the support I felt from my family and friends was enormous. It lifted and carried me. It calmed me down when I started to feel anxious. It gave me energy when I was feeling weak. When my friends and family weren't around me on the course, the Lord placed other people right where I needed them. During the last mile, I even saw "Go Amy" twice written in chalk on the road. Those notes weren't written by anyone I knew, but I have no doubt that they were for me. I smiled and cried tears of gratitude when I saw them. Strangers became dear friends during that last few miles. Encouragement was coming from every direction.

At one moment, I very clearly saw the correlation between this race and life. I have people who love me everywhere. I have many loved ones who have gone ahead. I could hear my cousin Paul yelling, "Go Amy!" My nephew Kay shouting,"You've got this!" My grandparents cheering, "We know this is hard. You can do it though." We all have cheering sections. Some are right beside us, some aren't. Some have gone ahead and have a much more complete knowledge and understanding. They are there, hands out, shouting encouragement, helping us through those hard things. As we run down that finishing chute, through those gates and across the finish line, they are jumping up and down, tears streaming down their faces, celebrating with us.

Most of all though, the Lord loves us. He loves me. He made me. He cheers for me. I could feel it on Saturday. I know He is there. I know I matter to Him. I know he rejoiced with me when I crossed that finish.