testing, testing...

Hello! My main reason for this post was to see if I solved the whole "out of storage space" issue on my blog. I did! Yay! Only with 2 friends basically holding my hand the whole way. Thank you Kari and Kylie. :) For some reason, the fact that I couldn't post any pictures discouraged me from posting at all. How sad is that? Very. I was reading through old posts the other day and loving it so much. I love feeling everything I wrote about all over again. I think, no, I KNOW, that is why we are to write, to journal, to document. It's so we remember. Anyhow, I have many, many things to talk about, but no time to do it right now. So, a few short thoughts:

1. Margaret likes to be twins with Emily. All the way down to the hair. It is adorable. I love that little Margaret. And I love that Emily for loving my baby so much.

2. I am really proud of Alex. That's it. Just so, so proud. He is such a good boy. I was sick in bed on Monday. When he came in from school, Dave was gone at the store. Alex showed up in my room with a tray, ramen noodles, water and a banana. We sat on my bed watching a little HP together before the girls got home. I couldn't really stomach any food, but I ate a tiny bit anyhow. He was proud and he was happy, and boy, did that make me happy.

3. Christmas is sneaking up on me. Christmas, which is immediately followed by an anniversary and three birthdays. Oh boy. Not sure I'm ready. We are loving sitting in the living room together though, with just the light of the tree. It is beautiful and peaceful and warm.

triple crown...

 

Yesterday was the BYU Track and Field Triple Crown. Kids from local elementary schools can come run a mile, complete with bibs & timing chips. The real deal. We have gotten a flyer for this every single year since I can remember, but have never done it. I don't really know why. We just haven't. Lizzy and Emily insisted. And once they insisted, Molly insisted. It was a great event. VERY organized. Totally legit. Led and run by the BYU track team.

 

The kids were really, really excited. They talked about it for days. "How fast do you think we can go, Mom? Should Lizzy and I stay together? How many more days? What if I have to walk a little?" Some of these (MANY) pictures are silly, but I think they capture just how excited the girls were.

Little Molly and the 1st grade girls were up first. I knew she was a little anxious. We talked about just doing the very best you could. It didn't matter of you won, if you had to walk 12 times, if you came in last. It was a MILE, and that is a long way for a tiny little girl. I was so, so proud of her. She finished in 10:38 and a smile. Look at her face! They gave the kids a timecard at the end with all their stats. They got water and a high five from Cosmo. Molly was thrilled and so was I. She was 20th out of 60 1st grade girls. Let me tell you...there are some FAST kids in this area. REALLY fast. I was blown away.

My sweet 11 year olds, anxious for their turn. Gosh, I love them.

Lizzy stretching out and happy Emily. If I have to be honest, Emily is faster, but Lizzy has the endurance. I knew they would both do well.

Emily finished in 7:46, 17th/49 6th grade girls. She was awesome. She pushed really hard. So hard she told me her legs were tingly at the end. She was really proud and happy, and so were we. As you can see, Lizzy is nowhere in sight. They had decided to run their own pace and meet up when it was over. :) I knew Lizzy would finish first. But she didn't. I noticed her walking across the field about 1/4 mile into the race. She was hurting, and she was so, so sad. As she got closer to Alex and I, he told me he was going to go walk with her. He wanted to fix things. She got an awful pain in her side, right at the beginning and just couldn't do it.

I'll tell you what, when she passed me crying, I wanted to drop everything, pick her up, and help her off the field. I wanted to take her away from there. I wanted to tell her we could quit if she wanted to. Alex kept encouraging her though. I loved seeing him love her like a big brother should. I loved it. Towards the end, when there were about 200 meters left, a girl from the BYU team came up beside them and obviously said something right. I wish I could hug her and personally thank her. They all started to sprint. They were racing eachother. In my mind, the music swelled and I was almost completely overcome with emotion. My baby didn't quit. Oh how she wanted to, but she didn't.

There were lots and lots of tears afterwards. She was completely devastated. Her heart was broken. I know that many of you, if not all, would say that it's good for her. Adversity will make her stronger. In that moment, I didn't care one bit about future Elizabeth. I cared about the one right in front of my face. The one who was hurting and so sad. I was feeling what she was feeling. Not physically, but emotionally. She had dreamed for days of going to school this morning and telling her friends her good news. She had built it up in her head. I remember doing the same thing. All the time. I understood her tears. My heart was really heavy. In that moment, I just couldn't fix things. We talked for a long, long time last night. About everything. About how when your body is hurt, you sometimes just can't do it. About what she could say to her friends. About how amazing she is for finishing that darn thing. About how she is beautiful, amazing, kind, smart, funny, has the most beautiful singing voice. She would cover her smile with her hand. The sadness was being pushed out. This morning she seemed a lot better, and ready to conquer the day. She is my girl.

This mom stuff is hard. Nothing is worse than seeing your child in pain. Any sort of pain. No matter how trivial you may know it to be. I am grateful that the Lord blessed me with the ability to feel what they are feeling. To be able to validate their concerns, even though I know that in the long run, those concerns just won't matter. I think what we as mom's say and do in those moments...THAT is what is important. THAT is how they are shaped and molded. THAT is how they come to understand how amazing they are.

solo...

So, I did my first (mostly) solo race yesterday. I only really started this running thing a little over 2 years ago. I have run a tri-relay, two Red Rock Relay's, five 5-k's, three 1/2 marathons, and one full marathon. I have run all of them with friends. There have been a few races in there where I started with a friend, then we separated once we figured out our own pace, but this one...I signed up alone.

Tara and I ran the Mt. Nebo half-marathon last september and had the time of our lives. It was the best race! The fastest race. The most beautiful race. Anyhow, Tara hurt her foot about a month ago. We have been doing our own things exercise-wise for the last little while. She is easing back into running, but knew the 13.1 of this race would be too much for her foot. So, I just let it go. Tara couldn't go, I wouldn't do it. We would just hit it again next year. But I kept getting emails from them. I kept seeing facebook updates. I was sad I wasn't doing it. I realized I might actually be sad if it came and went and I didn't run. I knew I could do 13.1 miles alone. I've done it many, many times by myself. I just didn't know if I could do it as fast as Tara and I had last year. That bothered me. It bothered me that it bothered me. Does that make sense? I thought about it for a few days, then decided I was going to do this darn thing, by myself, as fast as I could. I had to let the time thing go, and not worry about how fast I did it, but rather enjoy the experience.

One of my stresses was getting up to the start of the race and having to wait there alone, for over an hour, in the cold and the dark. There are LOTS of people up there, but I wouldn't know any of them. Turns out, my friend Jen was running it too, alone, with the same fears as me. Yay! We ended up riding down to Payson together, hanging around the firepits together, and distracting eachother from being nervous. It was such a blessing to have her there. She did GREAT by the way. She came in under 2 hours which is HUGE! I was so, so happy for her.

SO, here are my splits:

mile 1: 7:34

mile 2: 7:18

mile 3: 7:07

mile 4: 6:59

mile 5: 7:00

mile 6: 7:11

mile 7: 7:07

mile 8: 7:38 (fuel)

mile 9: 7:35

mile 10: 7:24 (Tara joined me)

mile 11: 8:48 ... sad

mile 12: 7:52

mile 13: 7:57

My Garmin didn't even get to 13.1. Only 13.01, so I was 9/100ths of a mile shy of a half. :)

I started out feeling very confident and very strong. I had been pushing myself pretty hard on some of my runs lately and knew I had it in me. The downhill of this race was definitely working in my favor. My legs sure do hurt today (and my feet, and my shoulders), but yesterday, I was loving the elevation drop.

I noticed within the first few miles that the texture of the road was different from what I was used to, and had forgotten that from last year. The road wasn't as smooth as around town. I know that sounds wierd, but you can feel the texture through the soles of your shoes, and it felt strange. Also, my legs seemed to feel heavy. I stopped for a quick drink just after the mile 4 marker and remember them feeling like jello. It worried me. I hadn't run that far yet. Why were they feeling so strange? They didn't feel this tired until about mile 9 last year. Oh well, I got my drink and got going again. I was still able to maintain a pretty good pace. I was pushing. It wasn't easy, but I felt good about things. There were a few people I watched ahead of me. I originally started out by the 1:45 pacer to play it safe, but after the first few miles, I realized I could do this. I could finish faster.

I had eaten a GU/Roctane and a Gatorade Primer just before the race started and thought I would be fine for quite awhile. The problem was, there was no fuel at the aid stations until mile 7.5. I remember a lot more fuel last year. I should have packed one. Now I know for next time. I can run 7.5 miles without fuel. I've done it lots of times. But...I haven't ever done it when I was pushing my body so hard. I ran out of gas before I could get more in me. When I finally got some, I think it was too late. The next few miles were fine. They were fast, actually, but I could feel myself winding down. You can feel it in your legs. You can hear the voices in your head. "You can't do this, Amy. You went out too fast. There is no way you can maintain this pace. You need to walk for a minute. You are TIRED."

Dave had brought Tara down with him. She was going to run the last few miles with me. I love her for doing it. She is such a wonderful, caring friend. I think it was just too late. Mentally, I had had it. As soon as she got out of the van, somewhere between the 9th and 10th mile, I told her I needed to walk for a second. My legs felt fresher once I got going again. Once you give in though, once you listen to your head telling you your body is done, it's bad news. I would stop probably another 6-8 times before I finished. I even stopped a few hundred yards from the finish. I wanted to cry. Mile 11 stressed me out. It was slow. Ok, not slow, but certainly slower than the rest of my race had been. When my Garmin beeped and I checked my time, my heart sunk. To that point, I had been running an average pace of 7:16. That was out the window. Did I care? I wasn't even sure that I did.

I went into the race, knowing full well that I would be slower than last year. I just knew it. But then when I saw that I just might be able to pull it off, I got my hopes up. They went up, then they came down again. I kept moving though. Walk for a few seconds, run hard for a bit, then walk again. Turns out, I managed to beat my time...by 15 seconds! I'll tell you what, I will take it. With all that walking and discouragement those last 3 miles, I will take it. People were so kind. Just like the last few miles of my marathon, people would cheer me on as they ran by and saw me struggling. Tara kept telling me I could do it. People are just so good. They really are. I had no kick at the end. None. That bums me out. I always have something left to give. I just didn't on Saturday. I still can't really believe I was able to run it faster, even if it WAS only by 15 seconds. I am proud of myself. I am sad too, but mostly proud. It is a beautiful course. I will be back for 2013. Tara and I will be together. I plan on coming in under 1:35. :)

13.01 miles

1:37:39

average pace 7:31

 

 

 

 

 

 

summer is over...

I can't really believe another summer is over. It went by fast. Not too fast this time though. We were ready for some routine around here. We were ready for everyone to be busy all day. I was ready to have some alone time with Margaret. The summer was wonderful. Filled with GREAT stuff. Marathon. Camp. Fenwick Island. The Olympics. Seven Peaks. Annie. All of it was so, so good, but holy COW am I tired.

I don't think my kids got to bed before 10 pm ever...all summer (Margaret excluded). That meant I was up well past that, just to enjoy my clean, quiet house. To be honest, I don't think I ever fully recovered from the marathon before all the other stuff started to creep in. I will miss my sweet kids. They are so darn great. They (ie. Molly) fought a lot this summer, but they are still great. They help me out so much around the house and with Margaret. Margie and I are doing just fine though. :) It is beautiful just having one child at home. I get a lot more done, but I can also focus so much more energy on her and her needs. And...I only have to figure out lunch for one 3 year old.

The girls have been walking since the first day. They love it. The air feels so crisp and clean in the mornings. It makes me happy. Molly is jumping car shadows here. I guess it is the thing to do. This child has been ready for all day school/1st grade for about 3 years. :) She will be in Mrs. Anderson's class. I love her. I really do. She is a wonderful woman and a wonderful teacher.

Alex had ONE extra day of summer vacation. 8th graders didn't start until wednesday. The poor kid was sick all day. Throwing up sick. Throwing up in the car while his mom had him out running errands sick. He is such a sweet, good boy. I am really proud of him. He is faithfully reading his Book of Mormon every day. He doesn't want to do anything but what is right. That doesn't mean his room is clean, but the important stuff...he's doing it. I think he is amazing. We failed to get first day of school pictures of him. :( Actually, I also failed to get 13 year old birthday/balloon pictures back in March, too. I really need to document how he is changing. I think he is really, really handsome.

Dave gave the kids father's blessings on Monday night, just before school started. I always LOVE that night, but this may have been the sweetest ever. He spoke so directly to each child. Addressed their concerns and MY concerns. He gave them beautiful council. They were so reverent and still. Even Margaret. That sweet little girl sat perfectly still while her daddy blessed her for this upcoming school year. I thought about sharing some of the things he said to each child, but I think that may be too personal. Trust me, it was beautiful...and I cried the whole entire time.

my children...

Not much to say today, but I love this picture I took of the kids+Annie the other day, so I thought I'd talk about them:

Alex - He is such a good boy. He tries so hard to do what is right. He gets distracted by "fun" stuff, forgetting his responsibilities at home, then we have a little talk about it and he is right back on track. Somehow, he still thinks it's cool to be good. He loves church things...lessons, music, his leaders. Not in a "Peter Priesthood, preachy" sort of way, but in a "I know what's right and what feels good and I'm going to stick with that" sort of way. He is so, so funny. He is almost always happy. And my goodness, he is handsome. I looked at him yesterday in his suit and nearly melted. I can see the young man he is becoming, and the man he is going to be.

Elizabeth - Lizzy is still grace personified. She is quieter than the other kids. She's gentler, daintier. She really wants to please Dave and I. When she feels like she has let us down for some reason, and we are disappointed, she gets teary. Not to get out of trouble, but because she knows she did something wrong and wishes she hadn't. I think of all my kids, she will be the most true. She will not waver when it comes to upholding her values. I really, really believe that. She won't compromise. She doesn't care a whole lot about what others think. I wish I had been more like that when I was her age. She is very honest. She is very respectful. She is very obedient. And...she is very silly.

Emily - This little girl is me. I have said it so many times, but she really is. Actually, she is me made lots better. She tries so hard to be good. She is a leader, yet also wants people to like her. She is loud, but knows when to be quiet. She is crazy, but knows when to be reverent and respectful. She is 100%, completely dependable. I would feel comfortable leaving all the kids in her care...for days. When I need something done, she is my girl. I can leave her instructions if Dave and I are going to be gone, and she will get the meal prepared, kids out the door on time to get where they need to be, and the house picked up by the time we get back. She knows what will make her mom and dad happy and does it. She never says no when I ask her for help. Never. I think she has somehow learned, in her short 11 years, that life is easier if you do what's right. She will be an amazing mother and leader someday.

Molly - Still a firecracker. I think she always will be. I don't think that's such a bad thing though. If she can be taught to channel her energy and adrenaline into productive things, there will be no stopping her. She is so, so passionate. Everything she does is intense. She can be intensely happy, intensely angry, intensely fun. Even her kisses are intense. She squishes my face. That intensity will keep her strong and confident...I hope. I can't wait to see how she handles 1st grade. She is smart and so creative. I think she will blossom being at school all day. She has been ready to go for years. I know she will miss being at home with me, but not for long. She wants to be just like her sisters, and this all day school business is the first step. I love when she is happy and bright. She can change the whole mood of our home.

Margaret - Little Margie. Number 5 down the line. What a sweet kid. Funny and silly and happy...except for when she's throwing fits, which seem to be just a teeny bit more frequent lately. I have wondered why, then realized the Lord had her skip the terrible two's while Molly was going through the terrible five's. Now Molly will be in school all day and I can handle whatever Margie throws at me. We will have so much time together. I can't wait. She really is my buddy. She is obsessed with books right now. She also loves to be the one to pray anytime there is a chance. She wants to give the FHE lessons. She wants to lead the music. She still lisps. She's still pudgy. She still likes me to sing 3 songs when I put her to bed, in the same order every time. She still insanely cute.

Annie - She's not mine, but I've got a little to say. She is a great girl. 13 going on 20. Annie is really funny. Sarcastic and funny. She is a helper and a pleaser. If there is a young child around, she wants to be caring for it. Yay for me...she and Margaret got along like strawberries and cream. We love her and are so glad she could come visit. Looking forward to next summer!

soft...

My baby girl.

She doesn't love having her picture taken right now,

but I love taking them. Not a great mix.

She was so soft and dreamy on our last night at the beach.

She has a chip in one of her front teeth.

Don't know when or how it happened.

She still lisps. She still loves her mommy

and grabs my face and closes her eyes when she kisses me.

dark and light...

Like a night when you can't see a single star,
Life is hanging over you and everything is dark.
And you can't even see one step ahead of you,
And everything feels so hard.

Don't let despair pull you from the light
The king of love and mercy is always by your side.
No matter how tossed and torn your life may feel,
You have the hope of Christ.

Don't be afraid. Let your heart believe.
There's a million shining stars up there that you can't even see.
And you are worth more than all of them combined.
Sometimes it's hard to see the Father's grand design.
Don't be dismayed. He knows your name. There is a way. Be not afraid.

This song is on a church mix I have playing in my car. I heard it a lot today. Everytime I did, I felt peace. My heart is heavy right now. People I love are hurting. It makes me hurt. When I start to feel sad, I quickly lose light and peace. I forget to trust in my Heavenly Father. I forget that He loves these people even more than I do. I walk around in a fog. I try to go on with my daily responsibilities, and for the most part, I'm fine. Until I get in my car to run an errand and this song comes on. Then I realize how much light I am missing. I am instantly filled. Instantly calmed. Instantly reassured that someone else is in charge.

Everywhere I turn, I see the adversary. Satan. The devil. Whatever you want to call him. In the media. In sorrow and discouragement. In doubt. He wants us to wonder and feel confused. He is darkness. I feel that over the last few weeks, there has been a battle for my soul. It is so easy for us to fall away from what brings us light. But...I believe it is easier NOT to fall. In this battle for me, you, our kids, our loved ones, we can fill our lives with light. How? I'm not totally sure, but I know that what I read, what I listen to, how I use my time...all those things can lead me toward light or darkness. Even amidst the filth all around us, we can find beauty. The world is beautiful, people are beautiful, the Lord knows our names.