This morning the kids asked why there were flags lining the street. My mind started to race. It wasn't a holiday. Why were they there? Then Dave reminded me what today was. I wanted to sit down and cry for a minute. Partly because I almost forgot, something I never wanted to do. And partly for all those people who lost so much that day. I think it'd be great if we all took a minute, maybe even a few, out of our busy day, to remember, and to thank the Lord for all that we have.

giving love...

This song by Jon McLaughlin has me thinking. Something I've been thinking about for a little while actually. My friend Lauren gave it to me on a mix and I love it. Download it...seriously. There is a line in the song that says..."The only way to love yourself is giving love to someone else." Today when I was listening, it struck me.

This is me and my cute niece Valerie when I was in college. I was 20 years old. I didn't really have anything to be self conscious about, but I was. Really self conscious. And high school was even worse. I would NEVER go back. Not for a million bucks. Actually...NOW I would. That's what I'm getting at. Back then, I was always convinced people were talking about me or staring at me. I felt like I just didn't fit in. I did OK during field hockey season, but once that was over, I was nervous. All the time.

College was better, I just dealt with it differently. A few months ago, I went to an Israel reunion. I lived there, in Jerusalem, from January to June in 1994. Best time in my life. Without question. I made so many dear friends. I strengthened my testimony. There were about 120 students there with me. I thought I knew them all. At the reunion, I realized that I really didn't. I remembered their names (most of them), but couldn't remember being friends with them there. The kind of friends where you sit at lunch together, laughing about your day, chatting about friends and family at home. I had lots of that kind of friend in Jerusalem, but I definitely wasn't friends with everyone. I think I was nervous. I knew who I was comfortable with, who made me laugh...and I stuck with them. I wasn't confident enough with myself to stray too far from my pals. I wish I could go back NOW. Now that I know who I am. Now that I have a genuine interest in people. All people...not just the "cool" ones. I think my experience would be so much richer.

So...this song made me think...when did things change? They changed when I became a mother. I was a good sister when I was younger, a good daughter, a good friend. But I never loved someone so wholly and completely. Not until I met Dave and we started a family. Once I gave these people all of my love...I started to see my own value. I had always been taught that I was of worth, but only in the last 10 years have I truly felt it. I KNOW it now. And because I love myself, I can love others more. It comes full circle.

conversations with Molly...

I am in love with Molly today. It definitely is not roses and daffodils around here all the time, but I am loving today. She has just gone down for a nap. Margaret is asleep. The house is really quiet. Molly and I made some raspberry muffins together. Molly with her 2 day old hair-do and Home Depot apron. She stands on a little chair and helps me. I wish I had the time or the patience for this kind of stuff every day. It makes me so happy. Her too. We connect...and I want to eat her.

This morning we went for our daily walk. Drop the kids off at school at 8:15, then continue walking through the neighborhoods until about 9. She was really, really talkative today. We had some great conversations. Try having one with a 3 year old. You will laugh and have to stop the stroller multiple times to look at her and kiss her. Today we talked a little about dying. We do that a lot. I'm not sure why she is fascinated, but she is, so we talk about it.

"Mommy, when you die, you go up into the sky. How do we get up into the sky?"

"I don't know. What do YOU think?"

"I think you open up the sky. Then get a ladder and go up into the sky. Then you close the sky. Jesus is up in the sky and he will help us."

A few weeks ago, I was warning her about something that could hurt her. I remember telling her that she could die if she wasn't careful. She told me that was OK. It would be so great because then she's "gurn (going to) see Jesus, Joseph Smith, Grandpa Bird, Hinckley." Yeah...just plain Hinckley. She isn't afraid. I think that's cool. Obviously she still doesn't quite have a grasp of it, but she's getting there.

After our walk..."Mommy. I'm in the mood for a hula-hoop."

She was in bed with Dave this morning while I was feeding the baby in the rocking chair. She was cuddly and cute and down right hilarious. I wanted to video tape her. I feel that way a lot. Like I want to video tape her whole life...every second. I don't want one detail to slip from memory. Her scratchy - squeeky voice, her soft skin, her freckles. I'd like to think that the Lord has a treat in store for us. A whole room full of DVD's. Details from our lives that we could sit and watch for days.

cheap entertainment...

Here's how it works: turn on the karaoke machine (I'm pretty much the queen, but that's a post for another day), plug in a microphone, crank up the volume, then listen to aaah's, oooh's and coo's from our little Margaret. This time she even got a wig. Seriously, we will laugh for 20 minutes straight, listening to her and watching Emily stroke her face trying to get her to speak. Margaret likes it. I'm just sure she does. You should see her face the first time she hears her voice blasting from the speakers. :)

molly venice...

"More pasagna please." I love lunch time with Molly. The kids have had early out every day this week, so it makes things a bit more hectic, but on a normal school day, it's great. Just me and Molly, sitting at the table together, the baby asleep in the back. We have great 3 year old - mommy conversations. She really needs time like that. Where it is all about her. I do too. It reminds me how darling she is and helps me forget the trouble she can cause. She loves lasagna. Pretty great for a picky eater. I made this last batch in the crock pot. Easy and fabulous!

Lots can happen while mommy is on the phone and stressed out. Like writing on arms and bags full of parsley from the garden. I asked her what she had done to her arm. She knew she was busted. Here was her response..."In case we go to Disneyland, then I will know my name." I had to set the phone down, laugh a bit, hug her, then grab the camera. While in Disneyland in the spring, we wrote my cell phone # on everyone's arm with ball point pen, just in case (in my anxiety filled mind) we became separated. She still makes us laugh every single day. I love her to pieces.

UPDATE : click HERE for the lasagna recipe. It's great!

our first day...

OK...so I have put off the "back-to-school" post long enough. I figured everyone was posting them...how could anyone possibly want to read mine? With my new determination to document our every day lives though, I had to do it. I realize some of you won't be thrilled, but I guess that's OK. It's mostly for us anyhow.

School brings a lot of emotions for me. First of all...excitement. The kids are thrilled. They don't even realize that we never went school shopping or got them new backpacks. They are excited to see their friends and make new ones, meet their teachers, find out what's for lunch.

Kristin and I walked the kids over together, babies in tow. It was a gorgeous morning, especially for August. The kids were beaming...and tired. I love the Frey's. I am so glad my kids have friends like them.

Waiting at the cross-walk. I love our crossing guard. She is so friendly. She is a mom. I know she'll look out for my kids.

Lizzy and Emily outside their classroom. Their window looks directly into Alex's room. FUN. They look so thrilled here. I know they were. The energy at that school was so great. I could feel it. Kids were happy. Teachers were happy. Parents were happy. I think they also look a teeny bit nervous. I can remember a lot of anxiety mixed in when I was younger. I was anxious hoping they weren't anxious. So silly. My kids have a lot more confidence than I did at their age though, but that's a post for another day. :)

Molly had her first day of preschool the next week. She is the 1st Schofield kid to go to a 3 year old preschool. She needed it. She is bright...and bored. She has a new princess backpack. She has the habit of bringing her hands to her face when I tell her to smile. I think it's hilarious! She looks a little hesitant in this picture. She is looking at me, but not really AT me. More like THROUGH me. That equals nervous. So I did my best to hype it up!

Maybe I AM excited!

Am I?

She really didn't want me to leave. She didn't cry, but she held on to me, until she got distracted enough for me to sneak away. I was sad for her though. A brand new place, she didn't know a soul, and she had no idea when I would come back. As I drove away, I saw one of the teachers holding her, like she had tried to come after me. I cried. I knew she would be OK though, and she was. She came out smiling. She has gotten clingy and told me she wasn't going each time since, but she always comes out smiling. Whew.

why SO many pictures...

Roughly 1000 pictures a month. Of my kids. Not including any photoshoots. When I was still using film (which just ended 2 years ago) it was costing us an arm and a leg. Dave wasn't thrilled, but I wasn't stopping. Now that I use a digital camera and picture taking is nearly free, I can't slow down. I figured out my obsession the other day.

I am always chasing that perfect image. Not perfect to you or the guy down the street, but perfect to me. I rarely get it, so I click, click, click...hoping. I will look over at my child, something will catch my eye, and my heart skips a beat. I panic. STOP. Don't move an inch. But they always do. I need to freeze it, so I can see it over and over again. Those beautiful moments are so fleeting. They are growing too fast. SO many people have warned me that they grow too quickly. I see what they mean. Pictures are my way of bottling them up. I asked Alex a couple of months ago how he was such a great artist. How could he draw things in his mind, without copying or tracing? He told me that when he sees something he likes, he blinks. A real hard, tight blink. That creates a memory. I wish it were that easy.

In an effort to capture the every day, the beautiful fleeting moments, I am committing myself to clicking and documenting more regularly. That means taking pictures of the regular stuff. Not portraits, just my kids being kids. Not perfect to you, but perfect to me. I also need to write more. Not waiting for the big moments or profound thoughts, just trying to capture what we do every day. Our family.