my discovery...

So, Dave and i went to the movies last night. We saw 2012 which I wouldn't highly recommend. Too much action, too much suffering, too much dying. It got old after an hour or so. We were both anxious for it to end. We had an interesting conversation on the way home though. And I discovered something. I discovered my greatest fear. I thought I knew what it was. Losing a child. Possibly due to illness, accident, falling in the hippo exhibit at the zoo. I know. Really wierd. Not the losing a child part, but the hippo part. After a somewhat lame movie, I realized that that isn't really my greatest fear.

My biggest fear is my kids experiencing fear. Alone. Being afraid all alone. I watched all the destruction and catastrophe and kept imagining me, right in the middle of that scene, with Dave and my kids. You can see why the movie got a little exhausting. Buildings collapsing, tsunami type waves, earthquakes. I could handle all of that on my own. I would be afraid, but I could cope. I really think I could. But my children. My sweet children. Maybe that is why in the movies, parents always say, "Save my children first"...so the children do not have to experience that fear. What if WE were taken out to sea and somehow, heaven forbid, we got separated. I wondered if I would tie us all together. If one of us went, we would all go. I kept picturing one of my kids alone. Alone and scared. What would their face look like? How would they feel? Would they panic?

Then my mind turned to people like the Smart's who lost a daughter for 9 months to a complete maniac. A man who hurt her in so many ways. I remember reading the Smart's book and Lois talking about some of the things that went through her head while Elizabeth was gone. Was she afraid? Was she cold? Was she hungry? Those are the kind of thoughts that would haunt me forever. Only with divine help could I let images like that go. I know that the Lord would be there to comfort them, but would they be too afraid to feel His peace? Last week, a 17 year old girl from CA went missing during an after school jog. 4 days later, they found her sexually assaulted body in a shallow grave. I somehow let my mind imagine HER face, HER fear, yet she has no ties to me. I cannot fathom her mother's pain. The pain I would feel if it were one of mine.

I know, this is a lot of rambling, with not much of a point. Why write about something that terrifies me to the point of a racing heart and sweaty palms? I guess it makes me treasure my children more. Treasure THEM and treasure my time with them. It also reminds me of the bigger picture. The Lord is running the show. He alone knows how to calm a troubled heart. How to bring peace to an anxious mother. How to comfort a grieving parent. He knows because he felt it. I'm just sure he did.