me as a runner...

*I know, I know...ridiculous Halloween 5k picture, but don't I look happy?

I know some of you hate to read running posts. If that's the case, I'll see you tomorrow. The thing is...it has occupied a lot of my time and my thoughts lately. This is my journal, in a sense, so I need to be able to write here. Anyhow, I want to document the last few months. I want to be able to look back at how crummy things have been but how I kept on going. I can't quit. This is too important to me.

I've posted plenty of times about my injury. I don't really need to say more, other than that it kept me from running for a good 8 weeks. I did a few short runs towards the end, and lots of cross-training, but not what I was used to doing. I ran all winter long...in the snow...6 days a week. Without fail, unless I was injured. I would come home with frost all over my face, ice hanging from my hair. I like the winter runs. I really do. I'm anxious for them to start again. I didn't feel any pressure when I ran in the ice and snow. I knew I had to take it slower. I knew it was about the miles, not the pace. It was about getting out there every single day, no matter how cold it was. Tara and I ran on Thanksgiving in 6 degrees. I only fell ONE time all season. I loved coming home with soaking wet clothes and hopping in the tub.

Once the warmer (45 degrees) weather started, I began my marathon training with Kami. I could not believe the distances I was able to run. We got all the way up to 20 miles - at a 9 minute pace. I was getting faster too. We seemed to average about an 8:30 minute mile for most runs. That was fast for me. I remember just a year before when I ran my first 10 minute mile. I was fast in HS, so I knew I had it in me...somewhere. Our long runs were a bit slower, our short runs were a bit faster. Then injury came.

I have eased back into it. My pace has gotten a little faster. 8:00-8:15 minutes per mile. If I am running a mile alone or the last at the end of a run, they may be around 7:30, or even faster. I think I got too excited. I had high hopes that my new pace was sub-8. I had heard that you can come back from injuries even faster and I SO wanted that to be true. I ran the Freedom 5k just before Girl's Camp and finished in 24:01 (chip time)/ 23:18 (garmin time with an itty-bitty water stop). That put me 3rd in my age group out of 160 women. I felt good and I felt fast. I kept right on trying to make each run faster than the last. My mind felt great, but my body wasn't quite ready. I got sick once or twice in there which completely depleted my energy. I lost my finishing kick. I used to love pushing it at the end and usually finished with the last mile of my runs being the fastest. When my body would give in and want to walk and not allow me to run consistent 8:15 minute miles, I got discouraged. My running buddies weren't having the same struggle. They were getting stronger and stronger. Add to the discouragement.

I had some good long runs in there. 2 weeks ago, a week after my "flu", Tara, Kami and I ran 12 in 1:32:51. An average pace of 7:44. I had never held that pace for so long. I felt SO great about it. We ran the course for the Provo River 1/2 Marathon. I was READY for that race. I wanted to beat my 1:56 by at least 10 minutes. Secretly, I hoped for 1:40. My body thought otherwise. I was wiped out. I don't think I have ever pushed so hard on a run, but I don't think my body was better yet. I think it was still sick and I pushed too hard.

Since then, I have lost my mojo. Totally lost it. I decided to give up on the 1/2 marathon for now. I bailed on runs with my friends, sometimes at the very last minute. I just felt like I could NOT do it. I quit halfway through my favorite hilly run. And I cried, a lot. No desire to run, no "runner's high" when I was finished...

until TODAY!

Last night I knew I wanted to run 7-8 miles up Hobble Creek Canyon. I went to bed actually looking forward to it. It has been SO long since I have felt that. There was a major headwind as we went UP, so it was not easy. At all. But I never wanted to quit, and THAT is saying something. It is coming back. My desire is growing. I'll do another 1/2 this fall. When I'm ready. And I WILL be ready.