*image by Jonathan CanlasHere is what I'm thinking about today. Yesterday was rough with my kids. I was tired and irritable, so I'm sure you can guess how the day went. Actually I was fine for most of the day...it was the evening that got difficult. I'm feeling some anxiety about our new arrival. So...last night for FHE we went stroller shopping. We found one right away, then went to Toys R Us and bought a cheapo plastic swimming pool. Poor Emily really wanted one they could actually move around in, but I chose $15 instead of $100+. I was so happy leaving those stores, completeing 2 things on my to-do list. But, the kids were LOUD in the car. They just wouldn't quiet down, and I could feel my mood slipping. I actually said the "s" word to the twins...shut-up. I couldn't handle the noise. I felt close to a nervous breakdown. Isn't that ridiculous? I told Dave I needed them to be in bed, away from me. I HATE feeling like that. I hate being angry with them. Frustrated. Short tempered. Guilty. Once we were home, getting them to bed, I just sat. Like a bump on the couch. A bump with ZERO patience. As soon as they had kissed their mean mom and were in bed, I was sorry. Sorry that I hadn't calmed myself before getting angry. Sorry that I hadn't balanced my time better during the day. Sorry that they may not have gotton all they needed from me, their mom.
There are days where it seems that all your kids say is "Mom! Mom! MOM!". You don't have enough ears or patience to listen to everything they need to say. Sometimes they want to share a joke. Maybe tattle on someone. Show me a scratch on their leg. I find myself trying to acknowledge each of them, but end up saying, "Yeah. Uh-huh. I'm sorry sweetie." They KNOW I didn't really hear them. They are sensitive to that. I told Dave this morning that if I was at a party, and Michelle, Melissa, Jamie and Sharene were all tring to talk to me at the same time, I would give them all the attention I thought they deserved. I would hear them all. I would make SURE they all knew I was listening. Why don't I have the energy to do that with my kids? I do sometimes, but not all the time. I guess I just get tired. That's a good enough excuse for me, but I don't know if they understand.
Lizzy is sort of tough for me right now. She is SO sweet and tender, and SO willing to take the back seat to the other kids. But sometimes she needs the front seat. She needs to be validated, cuddled, reassured. Yesterday, the kids spent a lot of time outside. They played in the sprinklers, sat on beach towels in the drive-way, and got stung my mosquitos and wasps...at least Lizzy did. Bugs like her. My dad thinks it must have something to do with her blood...more O2 in it or something. The thing is...she gets welts within minutes of being bitten. The size of quarters, red, swollen. And she cries. She knows they will swell up, she know she needs medicine, so she cries. Actually, she howls. She is really, really intense when she is hurt, or thinks she is. It makes me mad. I want her to breathe, to calm down. In reality, I'm sure there is a reason she is so dramatic. She is craving something, and most likely, it's my attention. Instead of getting frustrated, I need to hug her and rock her and tell her how sorry I am that she got a bug bite, or tore a fingernail, or scratched her knee.
So I lay in bed last night, talking Dave's ear off. Talking about how I need to be more attentive to them, more patient with them. It's like a viscious cycle. I feel completely on top of things as a mom, then have a day or 2 where I feel like I am failing. I guess the feelings of failure cause me to rely on the Lord, to apologize to my children, to re-prioritize. Not all bad, right?
13 comments:
Amy, you really are a great mom, and you try so hard to be patient and understanding with them. It's hard work! Your kids are wonderful, but they also require a lot of attention. You can definitely handle 5... you'll be so much better once you're more comfortable with that baby out of you! I love you.
Your kids are lucky to have a mom who lays in bed thinking all of those things at night. Hang in there, Amy. You are exactly what they need!
When I was prego with Alexa I had to train my replacement. She drove me nuts. Seriously, NUTs! I am usually good at getting along with most people, but I lost it with her. She smelled BAD! Not like body odor bad, just something about her made me want to vomit. And she ate grahm crackers weird, and I felt like everything she did was wrong and I just didnt like her. And it showed. Sometimes we just manifest our frustrations with ourselves (aka being prego) on other people, and its even easier when its those we love and we know they will forgive us. I have the scripture 1 Samuel 1:27 above my computer in my desk. It was in the Mothers Room at the church in my old ward. "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him." He trusts us with his children, he knows you... he knows you are doing a good job, and knows we all have our struggles. Just remember they are yours, and they love you. :) I just got upset at my children, so I feel like I better end this. :)
I'm kinda in the same state right now with myself and my abilities/patience with being a mom. It's right when you seem to be in a groove and everyone's happy that a day creeps in like your yesterday and then for me - it rocks me enough to then start questioning my abilities/confidence in other areas of my life, then I'm done for. It's those days when like you said, I really need to rely on the Lord more and try my hardest to give each of my girls every day all that they deserve (they may feel differently than I) and not beat myself up if some days I also fall short. If we got it right every time, we wouldn't be here on the earth right? I think these last few weeks before she arrives, your insight is at an all time high and whether you recognize it or not, it's your body/mind/spirit's way of getting prepared. You're ready Amy. You were born ready to be a mom. Love and miss you and I hope today is a little better that yesterday.
Those days are tough, when we aren't what we know we should be. The beauty is, the Lord knows our limits and will compensate. If we are trying (and you are) He will compensate. I think another good thing about bad days is that our kids see that we are just human. We make mistakes. We apologize and you know what, they forgive. Good lessons even from tough days. Love you girlie.
I have some of these same kind of days. They rot. Thankfully we get to start over with rising of the sun.
Hang in there. God gave those kids you as a mom for a reason and He knows what He's doing.
-FringeGirl
I adore you Amy.
I was talking to Lizzy and Emily after school on Friday and asked them if you'd had your baby yet. They looked at each other, then at me, and in unison said "NOOOOOO". I asked how you were and they did it again. They looked at each other, then at me, and gave me the biggest smiles and said......nothing. You have taught them well.
(we did say other things but I don't want to put it here where EVERYONE can see it! hahaha
Good luck my dear. You will make it. I promise.
Thank you for making me feel NORMAL!! You are a great mom Amy and have been a GREAT example to me for a long time now. LOVE YOU!!
oh amy, i have so many days like this, where i am short tempered and yelling at the kids. i always feel bad once they are in bed. you are one of the best moms i have ever known, and your kids are living proof of it, they are smart, and kind, giving, and loving. i always hope my kids will come close to what yours are. you have a beautiful family and i know your kids know how much you love them.
Yes Amy, of course you can!!!
We all know those feelings of failure,they come with parenting,so we need to realize that sometimes we regret our feelings and actions.We also need to forgive ourselves,pick ourselves up and try to do better. I know the children forgive...in fact I really think they actually forget. I think heavenly Father made them thatr way. Don't be too hard on yourself,you are doing a great job with them.
Amy - I just wanted to say that if you spent every day, every meal, every shopping trip and vacation with your 4 friends you named to Dave - I do think they would annoy you and you would tune them out. If only saw your children once a week - I bet you would pay much better attention and have much more patience with them.
The reality is that we are with these little people All day everyday!! We can't have the best patience and the most interest in every story and every owie ALL the time. We do think about other things, do need to get other things done and can't focus on 4 or 5 of them and all their needs at exactly the same moments. Give yourself a break. We all have those days- as long as Everyday isn't like that, don't feel bad. Just move to the next day and hope not everyone needs you at the same time.
Amy - I love, love, love your posts. They truly say how you feel and make me want to be a stronger/better mother. I think your kids are incredibly lucky to have you as a mom. I'm telling you right now once you have that baby, there are going to be days where I come and take Molly away for a little while so you can sleep or do what you need. You will that that for some R&R. I still have your present I need to bring by. Maybe on Sunday? Will you be home? This next baby is going to be so lucky to come into a home with a mother and father who love them so much as well as 4 wonderful siblings! Love ya!
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