my firstborn...

He's 12. My sweet boy is 12 years old. I've learned a lot through being his mom. I'm still learning...and making mistakes along the way. Like this morning when I realized he had lost his fleece jacket. The 3rd jacket I have had to buy because he loses them. He loses things a lot. I get mad and say things i regret. Not mean things, but things that make him sad. There is no taking that stuff back. We had a great talk this morning before Dave took him to school late. I HAD to make it right and talk with him so he didn't spend his day wondering how I felt about him.

I love him intensely. I had been told what it was like to be a mother. How you loved someone more than you ever thought you could. I still wasn't prepared. I was in love with him from the second we met. He was so beautiful. I couldn't understand why the nurses needed to take him to the nursery. I lay awake all night, waiting for them to bring him back.

I have learned that my kids respond to me better when I am tender with them. They love their dad and I. They want to make us happy. They don't want to disappoint us. For years, Alex would plop down by me whenever I was sitting on the couch and ask me to rub his back...under his shirt. Every single day. Several times a day.

There was a time where he would always come looking for me after his nap. He was worried and afraid. He would call out to me. When he found me, he would sit on my lap and relax. It reminded me a lot of our calling out to the Lord. That He is always there.

I have learned the importance of forgiving and apologizing. He always forgives. I love that he will talk to me after we argue. We can discuss things and figure out how to make them better. He is such a sweet, tender, loving boy.

Alex is a crazy kid. He makes people happy. He's really nice. I try to help him understand how much his kindness affects people. I think he gets it.

He had his interview with the Bishop on Sunday. The one where he is found worthy to receive the aaronic priesthood. The Bishop had such good things to say about him. I was ridiculously proud. My eyes watered as I watched him smile and fidget in his chair. He is so excited. I am so happy to be his mom.

*A few things about my 12 year old boy:

- he wanted PB cookies as his birthday cake.

- he loves vanilla ice-cream. Butter pecan too, but mostly vanilla, just like his dad.

- he is a brilliant writer and artist.

- he loves to read.

- he desperately misses his best friend Jonathan.

- he is all about i-tunes. He'll listen to his favorite song on repeat for an hour.

- he loves me and wants to hug me all the time.

- he loves school. He can't wait to play the trumpet next year in the middle school band.

- he still worries about his height. Not as much as he used to though.

- his favorite meal is Italian chicken...the crockpot kind.

- I could tell you a million more things. I'll tell you this...I love him to pieces.

definition...

I made Molly cry again today. I took some of her school papers that were cluttering my desk and hid them in the kitchen garbage. She found them and wanted to know why I thought it was ok to do that. It wasn't a bratty cry. The opposite actually. The kind where she is trying to hold it in, and my throat is burning just watching her. THEN...like a message straight from my loving Heavenly Father, I received a letter in the mail from a dear friend. I miss her. I love her handwriting. I love that she knows when I need something personal from her. AND, I love that she reminded me of something, whether she knows it or not.

I am NOT defined by a clean house. I am not defined by clutter or lack of it. I am not defined by how fast I can run a mile. I am not defined by dishes being clean and laundry being folded. I am not defined by how I presented my YW lesson. I am not defined by how I look. I AM defined by who I am. I am a daughter of God. Always. No matter what. I am defined by my husband and my children. I am defined by how I treat them. I am defined by the kind of people they will become. THAT will define me. And if I am too concerned with de-cluttering, I will miss my opportunity to mold them and shape them and love them.

I feel pulled in SO many directions lately. Too many. I can see it happening. I can see the distractions that Satan tries to put in my path. I know it's him too. As I type this, I am listening to some beautiful "church" music. It is lifting me. My letter from my friend included beautiful thoughts from Patricia Holland about parenthood. They lifted me. I know though, that as soon as I let down my guard, as soon as I allow unimportant things to creep in, I become lost. My mind cannot focus. I feel frustrated. I feel dark. Not depressed, I promise. Just not bright and light and cheery.

Hideko Lee taught a beautiful lesson in RS Sunday. At moments, her soul was speaking to mine. I will serve my little family because I love them. I will fold the clothes, clean the dishes, and leave the clutter, because I love them.

I thank the Lord for putting sisters in my life who remind me how to be happy. Truly happy. How to define myself and remember who I am.

help me out here...

Molly is sassy lately. Really, really sassy. She has been from the second she arrived on this earth, but just plain mean the past few weeks. She is livid if she doesn't get her way. She makes "I hate you SO much" faces. She yells at me. She bobs her little smart aleck head back and forth while she tells me she won't do what I'm asking. Twice in the last week, I have called her over to me to tell her she needs to stop what she's doing, and she just won't come. At home that's typical, but in public, she's generally a pretty good girl. I have to chase her, which makes me look like a freaking idiot, then grab her, then hold her face still with my hand so she will look at me. The whole time she is squirming, pulling away, and hollering like I am breaking her in half.

The truth is...I want to break her in half. Sometimes. I mostly want to stay calm and in control. But in these situations, SHE is calling the shots. A lot of times, she is yelling at me in the car. My blood starts to boil and I yell back. I am then smack dab in the middle of a screaming match with my 5 year old. I can see the type of teenager she is going to be if we keep this up, and I don't like it. I don't want to feel like all is lost, like I can't reason with her. She is a very tender but passionate child. My well of "Molly patience" has run completely dry.

lots of pretzels...

So the other day at the grocery store, Molly begged me to get pretzels. The big kind. When they are $2 a bag, how can I argue? She didn't really want to eat them though. She wanted to make these. I'm not totally sure what they are, but don't they look DELICIOUS??? Almost as good as the slice of american cheese covered in sprinkles from 2 years ago. If you'd like to try them out, make sure you freeze your marshmallows first. That is her secret. Oh crap, I just gave it away. I LOVE that she wears an apron to assemble them. Have I mentioned that she used to call it an "apricot"?

Lizzy had a little fun with the pretzels too. Can I tell you how dry my mouth was from eating these things all day? Very dry. Their thing is to tell me that they love me more than I love them. They really think they do. They have a lot to learn about motherhood. :)

When out of paper, whip out the dry erase board with NON-dry erase markers. This is Aunt Fanny from Robots. SUCH a great resemblance. :)

Molly finally got some nibbles on her pinecone-covered-in-peanut-butter-and-birdseed-birdfeeder. A cute little chikadee and she missed it while at preschool. She was pretty happy with the picture though.

Molly also likes to take my camera out of my drawer and photograph things. It would be fine if it didn't cost more than our house. She likes to take pictures of Margaret. Margaret likes to watch Despicable Me...every day. I'm going to tell you a little secret. We plop her in her highchair, right in front of the television so we can get things done around here. Yup...we really do.

That's our March so far, aside from Dave's fabulous birthday. I'm thinking of taking him out for a post birthday photoshoot and balloons. I don't think he'll be game.

Happy birthday to my Dave...

41 years old today! Dave, are you sad that I just told people that? 41 years that this world has been blessed by a seriously awesome guy. I think of people that I dated before I met Dave. None of them would have worked. Only Dave. I knew it pretty much as soon as I met him, too.

The kids and I lined the walls with 41 things we love about Dave. I'm not going to type them all up, but I AM going to tell you some of the reasons I love him so much. I realize that in telling you this, I'm incriminating myself, but it's his birthday. I'm willing to risk it.

*Dave is really patient. Crazy patient. It is really hard to get his feathers ruffled. Along with that patience is gentleness. He is soft and gentle and loving with our children.

*I love to cook. I really do. I just don't have dinner prepared very often. Not quite organized enough at this stage in my life to get it all together. Not ONCE has Dave come home from work and asked where his dinner is. He or I (generally him - let's be honest) will put something together in a jiffy. I could go on and on about his culinary skills, but I won't. Let's just say he doesn't need a recipe to knock my socks off.

*Dave does the middle-of-the-night tending to our kids. He has for a long, long time. I lose my cool with them, and he doesn't. He never moans or shakes me to wake me up and tell me it's my turn. They want their dad when they are sad at night. I think that says a lot about him. He's even been known to leave game nights to run home and tend to Margaret when the kids can't get her down.

*He whistles all the time. He makes up songs. The kids love it. It creates a very happy environment in our home.

*He will watch whatever I want to watch on TV...AND let me hold the remote. I have a thing. I'm anxious if I'm not holding it. Dave could surely put up a fight once in awhile. He never does though. When I fall asleep on the couch watching "my" shows, he is so gentle with me trying to get me up and into our bed. My family can attest that I am a beast. Let's just leave it at that.

*He would do anything for me and our kids. All I have to do is ask. He loves us. There is NEVER any question about it. Never.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR DAVE!

you know who this is, right?

A few years ago, Emily was talking to Elizabeth about money. They were probably 5. She said, with SO much passion, " I LOVE Himmerhain Lincoln! He's like my favorite prophet." Good old Honest Himmerhain. Anyhow, a few days ago, Alex decided he wanted to draw Abraham. I think he is so amazing. Do I say that too often? I don't think so.

Elizabeth gave it a whirl. Alex really wanted her to sit and draw by him. Her first attempt made her cry. She was discouraged. She wrinkled it up and threw it away. For her second attempt, she traced the outline of his head. I think it turned out great. She has a lot of attention to detail, like Alex. She takes her time and gets it right. At least as "right" as she can. Emily won't even try. She's cute about it, always telling Alex and Lizzy how wonderful they are.

Someone else thought she'd give it a go. One guess who. She was NOT pleased. It was also found shriveled up on the ground with her in the corner crying that she would never be as good as Alex. She rated the 3 pictures...hers was the BADIST. I need to teach these cute little people that all you can do is all you can do. Maybe people aren't Molly's thing.

my thoughts for march 2nd...

I'm going to be honest, I'm mostly posting today to get rid of the hideous/fabulous picture I shared with you on Monday. I'm tired of seeing it. Monday was crap. A really rough day. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I WILL say that my mood drastically changed for the better when we had some Bachelor loving times with our friends. They made me laugh and they made me happy. I really needed to be happy. :)

Today is going so much better. I have more energy. I'm happier and better able to cope with Schofield house chaos. Oh, you didn't think there was any chaos around here? Anyhow, today I am really thankful for my friends. This picture is the most recent I could find. Brooke, me, and Michelle at Disneyland. I love Brooke and Michelle. I LOVE them. I have so many wonderful, kind people in my life. People who look out for eachother. People who know when your day is crummy. People I have known for years and love like sisters, and people I am just getting to know. I'm loving them too. They all make me happy. I am so grateful for the Relief Society and the sisterhood it gives me with these women, when my own sisters are SO far away.

I'm sorting out this whole marathon training thing. I WILL finish the marathon in May. And I will enjoy the journey that gets me there. If I have to readjust b/c I'm not Super-woman, then I will readjust. My friends and family will love me no matter how long it takes me to finish.

GREAT conversation with the Beehives and their advisor from our ward last night for YW. I love being able to share my testimony with these beautiful girls. I love when they are inquisitive. When they WANT to know. I think that is partly why I feel stronger today.

I did not love American Idol last night. I DID love Casey though. If he will cut his hair and trim his beard and keep singing like that, I don't think he can be beat.

My niece is getting married in June. Sealed in the Washington DC temple, by my dad, on his birthday. You better believe I will be there. I wish we had a private jet and lots and LOTS of money to fly our whole family there. We don't. Can't wait to be there with Christy on that wonderful day.

I think that may be all for now. Later.