molly the good girl...

I am loving this little girl right now. 4 3/4 year old Molly. She is fiesty and stubborn, sure. Not so much lately though. She and I have had many discussions about her mood swings in the last few weeks. She can go from 0 to 60 in seconds. Happy and laughing, to a fake tantrum, to real tears. REAL tears. She can fake her way to a come-apart. I have been focusing on how SHE is in control of her mood and her happiness. She can pout and be lonely and sad, or she can change her mood. She totally gets it...which amazes me. When she is moping on the couch, I will get right up in her face, nuzzle her a little and say, "Change your mood Molly. You can DO IT." Then she does. She looks at me with an enormous smile plastered on her face. You better believe there is some clapping and celebrating around here when she does it. It is a REALLY big deal to me. She is 4 and is deciding, "I don't want to be sad...I'm going to change things around." I think the positive feedback is what makes it worth it for her. It makes me really happy.

As I've mentioned before, Margaret likes to pull Molly's hair. I used to think it was just the pretty color. She wanted to touch it. I don't think so anymore. She knows it's naughty. She'll grab a handful then look around to see who notices. Molly ALWAYS notices. She screams for help, but never hurts Margaret. I'll tell you what, if someone grabbed a chunk of my hair, repeatedly, every day, I would snap. I would swat her. Molly never does. She is so kind and gentle with her. Another way this sweet girl impresses me. Today, we practiced grabbing Margaret's wrist, and leaning INTO her hand rather than pulling away. I think it just might work.

halloween...

OK...I am going to come right out and say something. I hate Halloween. Everything about it. I realize that some of you will not even want to be my friend anymore after this confession. Hear me out. First of all...what is it all about anyway? What the heck are we celebrating? Grown-up women being able to dress like French maids for the day? Skeletons, ghouls, goblins, or even worse...vampires?

Every year when October hits, I decide that I will make costumes for my kids. I will save money this way for sure. I will sew, use old things from around the house, I will create...for my kids...because I love them. They have wierd ideas for costumes though, so I put it off. Until about the middle of October. Costumes, or the thought of them, just linger...like a dark cloud, hanging over my head and following me everywhere I go. It stresses me out. There is a lot of pressure to put together the most fabulous costumes. I hear what my kids friends are planning and think..."Oh crap. Seriously? I better get to work." Once again, the question...what are we celebrating anyway? So last Saturday rolled around, and I had had it. Just like I do every year, 2 weeks before the big day. We load up the car and head out to Joanns, Walmart, Halloween City...to BUY the darn things. It's just easier that way. Sure, they are 20$ each, but the stress or lack of it is totally worth the money. EVERY year I cave. The thing is, by mid-October, most of the good stuff is gone. Mark my word...I WILL buy next year, and I WILL buy earlier.

Halloween City is a zoo. A gray, freaky zoo. There is blood everywhere, screaming monsters, spiders...for what? Honestly, that place felt very dark to me. I didn't like it at all. Halloween gives people the excuse to be dark for the day. It's ridiculous. There are hoochie cosumes for the grown woman who feels the need, right next to Ariel and Buzz/Woody.

I do NOT dress up. Ever. I am not vehemently opposed. I actually think my friends who do, look really cool. There is just too much pressure. And too much money. I cannot and will not spend 50$ on a one time thing. Nope. Dave's work has a family Halloween (do I really even need to capitalize that?) party every year. It's cool. Most departments decorate to the hilt. Not Dave's. It used to bother me. I didn't want people to think they were lame. This year I FINALLY got it. It is a massive waste of money. It's too much pressure to out-do the freak carnival from last year, or Hogwarts Express from 2 years ago. They still hand out candy. I'm cool with that. Well...kindof. The candy is a whole other monster. Candy at school. Candy at the work party. Candy at the ward trunk-or-treat. Candy from the neighbors. Candy coming out our ears.

Listen, I love my baby in a cute plush costume as much as the next person. I can put her in one any time though. I don't need candy, goblins, or jack-o-lanterns to do it.

Whew. That felt REALLY good.

right now...

This is me...right now. Well, it's actually me last week, but this will do. I am smaller than I have been in at least 10 years. It makes me really happy. I have worked hard for this. Really hard. I need to document how I feel about it.

I never really had to worry about my weight until kids came along. Isn't that one of the saddest truths in life? I was active and small all through elementary school, junior high and high school. Even college. Never went past a certain weight. I could eat whatever and whenever I wanted. And let's just say I had a healthy appetite. I can remember times where our family would be sitting around the dinner table, and there would be one pork chop left. I wanted it. So did my dad. He would always say, "Let Amy have it. She's a growing girl." And I would eat it, without thinking twice. First of all, that was really nice of my dad. Second...I didn't ever give a thought to calories. Never. That was just me. Lucky. Great metabolism. Don't get me wrong...I was no swimsuit model, but I was small.

I lost weight pretty easily after my kids. In fact, I would lose all but the last 3-4 pounds within the first 2 weeks. I would sweat a lot in bed at night. It was wierd, but whatever...I lost the weight without really trying. I have pictures of me with my 2 week old twins...looking tiny. Something changed after Molly though. I got down to within 5 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, then gradually started going up. I was no longer active. I thought my high school metabolism would always be my metabolism. You and I BOTH know that ain't so. My weight gain was so gradual that I hardly noticed it. That's what happens...a few pounds a month. But that turns into 20 pounds a year. Do that for 4 years, and you're suddenly a big girl. I think in my mind, I was still small Amy, yet my clothes were telling me differently. My reflection in the mirror too. When I would see pictures of myself, I would get discouraged. Not depressed, just discouraged.

I decided to do something about it. This was back when Molly was a year. I counted my calories...religiously. It worked. Really well. I was going to the rec. center 5 days a week...mostly doing the elliptical machine. But I plateaued. I got stuck. I got lazy. I quit going to the gym. After losing 20 pounds I just quit. I slowly put about 10 pounds back on. My step aerobics teacher had us weigh ourselves one day, and commit to doing something about our health. I did it. I lost 10 pounds. I did step faithfully for months. It was my thing. Then I started running. 3 miles a day. I felt so great about it. I was really happy and really proud. But...I plateaued again. I just assumed that was my new weight. That was where my body wanted to be.

After Margaret, the weight never came off. The sweating at night never happened. I was really worried. Not worried enough to stop pigging out though. I told you...my appetite is REALLY big. I can eat any of you under the table. That is a guarantee. I remember my mom and I, a week after Margaret was born, eating handfulls of peanut M&M's...all day long. I ate like that for 6 months. Through the holidays. No discipline. No shut-off valve. Just getting bigger and bigger. I was nearly back up to my biggest recorded weight ever, only 4 pounds away. SO...January came, and I committed.

I was back to the gym...5 days a week. Dave had just lost 40 pounds on the Nutri-system plan. I was jealous and ready to change. I used his book and followed the "weekends-off" plan for women. I was pretty hard core about it. I would take my own fat free cheese and sour cream to our RS dinner nights. I had salad for dinner every day. Dave was still watching his diet too, so it was no biggie. I was getting plenty of food. I wasn't hungry. I still had a tiny treat every day, but the portion control and balance was changing my body. I was losing weight. I remember a comment I heard on Oprah years ago. A man had lost hundreds of pounds and said, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." There is definitely some truth to that. It feels SO good to see results. To have people telling you you look great. To fit into smaller clothes that haven't fit you in years. I was mixing elliptical machine with running on the treadmill. Around April, that changed.

Running was working for me, and I was feeling strong. I was feeling like an athlete again. I started running 6 days a week. I signed up for races, trying to out-do myself every time. I have friends who are so supportive. Friends who tell me I can do things I didn't think I could. And you know what? I can. I have now done 4 5k's and a half marathon. I've signed up for a marathon in the spring. I am also eating whatever I want. I can when I'm running 30-40 miles a week. After our trip to Delaware in July, Tara started working me really hard. I was no longer worried about food, yet the weight was still coming off. That was so amazing to me. It was still coming off. I lost 10 pounds through July, August, and the first part of September. I know for health reasons, I should cut back on the sweets. I will...someday. I've plateaued again, but this time the plateau is 20 pounds lighter than before. I truly didn't think I could get this small. Almost as small as my sisters. I can remember conversations with them about weight and just hoping to someday come within 15 pounds. I NEVER thought I could be the same size. I really never thought I could. I bought 2 new pair of jeans yesterday...in a size I don't think I've ever worn. x-40 is where I'm hanging out. I'm kindof stuck. I know that if I wanted to lose 6-8 more pounds, I could...through portion control. Right now I don't care. I'm happy with me at this weight. The coolest thing though, is that I know I can do it...as soon as I want it enough.

hooray, it's your birthday...

These beautiful little people are 34 years old today. My little twin sisters, Laura and Rachel. I love them so much. I am so proud of them. I am so grateful to have them in my life forever.

Happy Birthday you two!!!

sometimes...

Sometimes I feel really overwhelmed. Not today. I'm really thankful for that. This picture is why I love Super Saturdays. LOVE. I have the dearest friends. I love any excuse to hang out with them. Laugh with them. Craft. Eat. This is one of my very dearest, Michelle. She had just run a 6k earlier that morning...placing in the top 20% of the 1100 runners. She's also down almost 20 pounds. I am VERY proud of her. I love to be around her. That's why I keep on coming back to this picture. It makes me smile. I feel like smiling today. :)

I didn't feel like smiling much this weekend. I was stressed. I get that way sometimes. So stressed, that the thought of one more thing on my plate makes me just want to go to bed. I get anxious, over things that normally wouldn't make me feel that way. The anxiety builds and builds until my head is spinning. I look at my to do list, and cry. Overwhelmed. Simple tasks that any other day would be a breeze. Not when I'm feeling this way though. Small things seem huge. Not possible. Daunting. Until I do them. Then I feel relieved, accomplished, at peace. I get this way every few months and I don't like it one single bit. Not today though. I'm happy today.

down right tired...

I am really tired today. Spent. Trying desperately to think of a reason I need to leave the house alone for a few minutes tonight. Don't you worry...I'm not sad, just tired. This little Margaret is wearing me out. She's gone from a happy, smiley little baby girl to a beast this week. I think there must be some teeth involved. There just HAVE to be. She doesn't have any yet, so that could definitely be why my sweet babe has disappeared and been replaced with this whiney, grouchy girl. She cries or screams all day long. She really does. Except for when she is in the car. She does OK there...but not when I'm strapping her in. Back arched, muscles tensed, yelling.

She has also decided that she is done with our chair/gate at the top of the stairs. It has worked for months. Not anymore. She pulls it away, then stands an inch from the edge of the stairs 2 seconds away from tumbling down. It scares me half to death. SO...today I figured we could conquer the things. I would move the chair and sit there till she got it. I'm done sitting there. She doesn't want to go up, or down. She just wants the freedom to choose. She sits on our landing throwing all the shoes from the shoe box on the ground, spinning around in circles...once again inches from the edge. I don't remember how I did this with my other 4. Do I just let her fall? She could break her neck. Oh shoot...there she is screaming at me from her crib in the next room. Gotta go. :(

margaret at 16 months...

Margaret Lilley. Margie (with a hard "g"). Little lovey. This girl is a riot. She has no teeth. No vocabulary. Hardly any hair. She looks like a 10 month old. She's bright though. I can tell. She gets everything we say to her. She understands. She follows directions. She has an opinion. She has a fiesty little temper, just like Molly. She has a sense of humor. She has really been making us laugh lately. I don't really know if she's trying or not.

This is what I get lately when I tell her to smile. Cheese. I used to be bothered when she was smaller, that she never had a regular face. She was always pulling something. It was really hard to get good portraits of her. Now...I love the faces. They are SO Margaret.

Margie loves Emily's bike helmet. Loves it. We have to hide it. She wants it on all day. She can hardly walk straight with the giant thing on her head. It leans to the side or the front constantly. She adjusts it and keeps right on going. She'll cry if you take it off. She wears it for lunch, playtime, rides in the car. She looks ridiculous and cute at the same time. Mostly cute.

See those little sandles she's wearing? They are from Charlotte. They are silver and cute as can be. Margaret loves them very much. They need to be on her all the time. When she wakes up in the morning or after a nap, she will put them in her stroller and push them around until someone puts them on her little feet. Since she can't speak yet, she'll grunt until she gets what she wants. And she ALWAYS gets what she wants. She is a favorite around here...except when she is pulling Molly's hair. Big old chunks of it.

Sometimes she wants Daddy. Sometimes Mommy. Sometimes she wants nothing to do with me and will only go to one of the twins or Christy. She is a quirky little girl...and we love every single inch of her!


*Can't forget her obsession with Christy's cell phone. CRAZY over it. Christy is so patient about it. She locks the phone, then hands it over. Fake phones won't do. The kind with the big plastic buttons or princess songs. You can't trick Margaret. Only REAL ones will do.

She has a silly fake cry...that she uses a LOT. We fake cry right back, until we are all laughing. She squishes up her little face, pulls her nose in and pushes her bottom lip out. You can't help but laugh at her. Is that mean? Do not answer that.