my alex.

Alex had a bad day yesterday. He came in from playing and I could tell that something was off. He wasn't happy. Actually, he was sad. I asked him what had happened. As he told me, I was just dying inside. My throat was hurting because I was holding back sobs. Talking to Dave about it later, I couldn't stop myself. Alex was so, so sad. It was physically painful for me to see. I was looking at him and listening to him, thinking I love you, I love you, you beautiful boy. Please forget about this hurt by tomorrow. He was trying to make sense of things. He was trying to cover up how hurt he was. He was explaining things to me with a quivering lip and red eyes. He was sad and I was completely overwhelmed. I wanted to fix things. There are just some things that you can't fix though. His feelings had been hurt, several times, and he just didn't understand. So we talked about it. We talked about all sorts of things. About how tough life can be when you're 10 and how it will only get tougher. I reminded him how wonderful he is. What a good, kind friend he is. I told him that if he would continue to befriend everyone, not just the kids with cool shoes, or the ones who could play ball really well, he would be happy. I watched his mood change as we talked. I know he loves me and believes what I say. He was really listening to me.

I needed that experience. Lately Alex has been crazy. Constantly laughing and yelling and running around. It was starting to make me nuts. Nuts and exhausted. He gets sassy with Dave and I don't like it. He's asserting himself. He's still such a good boy, but he's testing his boundaries a little. Anyhow, this experience the other day reminded me that he is my baby. He can come to me with something that makes him sad and I can help to carry some of the load. I can cheer him up. A trip to Walmart with mom, checking out Halloween costumes and picking 3 new boxes of cereal, can cheer him up. He asked me as we were walking in (holding hands by the way, which is a rarity lately), why it made me so sad that he was sad. He said if it were him, he would just be glad he wasn't the one that was hurt. I explained how parenthood works. How you love someone so deeply that their pain is your pain. How your mind carries you back in time to a moment when YOU were 10 and YOU were getting your feelings hurt, and the thought of your sweet boy experiencing those emotions is so, so hard. Today when he got a little crazy with his sisters before church, it didn't bother me quite as much. When he's crazy, he's happy. I can ignore the noise and the silliness if I know he's happy.

reflections...

If you wonder if anyone could love you, if you are all alone, if anyone has felt the way you are feeling...watch this. You don't need to wonder.

new hat...

Margaret got a new hat today. Actually, WE got a new hat from Grandma and Grandpa for the "photography business". I went outside with every intention of taking 5-6 pictures. Turns out I took about 100. I was tearing up from all the sweetness oozing out of her. I couldn't stop. I really couldn't. My heart was racing. No matter how many I took, it wouldn't have been enough.

So I was watching Oprah earlier. No, I'm not a huge fan anymore, but put it on my tivo so I wouldn't miss Stephanie yesterday. It was very emotional for me. A post for another day. I'll just say this...somehow, through it all, she is still beautiful. So beautiful. Anyhow, today the show is about hoarding. Hoarders are so sad. I don't hoard. Well...maybe a little, but not enough to get myself on Oprah. O was comparing them to people who drink, do drugs, over eat. I am like these people in a way. I go to extremes. With my picture taking, with my temper, etc. I could really use a bit more balance in my life. Right now, one of my issues is TV. Not all day. Not while my kids are around. But at night, after they have gone to bed. TV really does relax me. It clears my mind, which is important for me at the end of the day. It helps me fall asleep. The problem is...I don't want to stop. I love the silence, the clean house, the dim lights. I love it so much that I sacrifice sleep for more of it. At night, I'll tell myself I'm ok if I get to bed by 11:30. Once 5 am rolls around and I'm up feeding the baby, I wonder why I am such a moron. Bed by 9 tomorrow night, for sure. Then tomorrow night comes and I'm enjoying "my" time again. Balance, balance, balance. I'll get there.

from home...

And I wondered what Michelle and I would do when it got too cold. Now I know.

makeover...

The other day I was folding laundry, or cooking dinner, or doing the dishes (ok...I was on the computer). Things were really quiet. Molly has been getting in my bags in the bathroom lately, which does NOT make me happy. I really should put them up a little higher. Last time her friend Sophie was here, she painted the bathroom with bright red, Dollar Tree chapstick. It was greasy, and really red. Not fun to get off, which is why Dave did it.

Anyhow...I went in to check, and here's what I got. Margaret patiently sitting in her bouncy chair, while Molly went to town. I'm not even sure what the baby had all over her. Too many smells to be able to pinpoint them all. Lotion in the hair though, that's for sure. Molly was brushing it with my "free gift" make-up brush from Clinique. She tried to tell me Margaret liked it.

our mornings...

So, every morning since school began a month and 1/2 ago, I have walked the kids to school. OK...not every SINGLE morning, but pretty darn close. My plan was to drop them off then continue around the neighborhoods with Molly and Margaret. My friend Melissa lent us her jogger which has been a life saver! Shout out to Melissa. :) Anyhow, pretty early into my new fitness routine, we bumped into Michelle and Gavin. They decided to come walking with us. YAY! They now go with us daily except for Tuesdays and rainy days. I love it. I really do. I love Michelle anyhow, but now we have a whole hour together every morning. We can laugh, chat, even gossip if we want...which we don't. I can ask her advice on anything, and she'll give it to me. The kids are great, just don't ask about today. Maybe you were fortunate enough to pass us on the road, me carrying Margaret and Michelle carrying Gavin...mid-tantrum.

This is what Molly and Gavin like to do while we walk. OK, so this one was posed, but the first few times they did it weren't. Michelle and I were near tears from the cuteness. We stop every 20 yards or so for a blanket readjustment, water or cereal breaks, to pick up toys. Interestingly enough though...I'm losing weight. This coupled with my "no eating after 7" rule has led to 5 lbs melting away. I am by no means thin...but I'll get there. Just you wait!

Thank goodness Fridays only come once a week. Those are the days that we make a pit stop at the local gas station and come out with slushees and doughnuts. And you know how I love my doughnuts. We generally pass our friend Shennon (our skinny friend Shennon) just after we shove doughnuts in our faces. Last time, we hid all our treats under our blankets. She'll never know, right?

Sometimes we pick up extra kids along the way. Like Sophie. Sometimes we hang out in my driveway afterwards and let the kids get smeared in sidewalk chalk. It's starting to get ALMOST too cold to walk. Too cold and too dark. We'll have to make new arrangements.

This is Michelle and her baby girl. It's the best she'd let me do. :)

*On a side-note...let me just tell you that walking this morning was a triumph for me. It rained last night, and rain = worms. I had the kids do a worm check in the driveway before we left. They actually picked them up for me and put them in the grass. I can't handle them. The kids just don't get it. They try to explain that the worms won't bite. I realize that, but they WILL get stepped on and get squished into the treads of my sneakers. If that were to happen, I may accidentally bring them into my house, grind them into my carpet. Oh my word. Ew. It was totally mind over matter this morning. I tried really hard to focus on the road WAY ahead. Even then, I still caught a glimpse of quite a few. I just had to turn away really fast.Yuck. Sick. Gross. BLECH.

4 months...